The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Spaghetti Catalyst (2010)
Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon Cooper : Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying "coitus" with everyone or just you?
Penny : Everyone.
Sheldon Cooper : Harsh terms, but alright. I'll just substitute "intercourse"
Penny : [sarcastic] Great.
Sheldon Cooper : or "fornication". But that has judgemental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve.
Penny : So, how you been?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny : You're just coitusing with me, aren't you?
Sheldon Cooper : Bazinga!
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Raj Koothrappali : Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".
Sheldon Cooper : Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard Wolowitz : So would Ben Affleck.
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Sheldon Cooper : [last line; while sleeping, calmly] No Goofy. No.
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Howard Wolowitz : The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?
Sheldon Cooper : Which team picks last?
Howard Wolowitz : What?
Sheldon Cooper : In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.
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Sheldon Cooper : [Knock, knock, knock] Penny,
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper : Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper : Penny.
[Sheldon is holding up one hot dog]
Sheldon Cooper : Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
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Sheldon Cooper : I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny : Yep.
Sheldon Cooper : That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
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Sheldon Cooper : Well... then as my meemaw would say: "Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon."
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Leonard Hofstadter : Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon Cooper : Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
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Leonard Hofstadter : When you say "seeing Penny", what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper : We had dinner last night. She made spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in the sauce. Well, little hot dog. I had to give the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hellhound. Tangential to the main story. Let me backtrack.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Why did you eat dinner with us?
Sheldon Cooper : I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard Hofstadter : Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.
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Sheldon Cooper : [Coming into the apartment lobby] Uh oh.
Penny : [Standing by the mail boxes] What?
Sheldon Cooper : [Still at the doors] I was going to get my mail.
Penny : Okay.
[Sheldon doesn't move]
Penny : Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
Sheldon Cooper : I think you mean telekenitically. And no.
[Moves to the mail boxes]
Sheldon Cooper : I just wasn't sure of the protocol now that you an Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Penny : God, can we please just say "No longer seeing each other"?
Sheldon Cooper : Well, we could if it were true, but as you live in the same building you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed... is the coitus.
Penny : Okay, here's the protocol: You and I are still friends and you stop saying "coitus".
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Penny : How's Leonard doing?
Sheldon Cooper : He seems alright, although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Although, now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
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Sheldon Cooper : I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you.
Penny : He's been crying?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention.