The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification (2010)
Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon Cooper : At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard Hofstadter : At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon Cooper : An accident.
Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, that's how I'm gonna make it look.
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Sheldon Cooper : I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard Hofstadter : What's a dogapus?
Sheldon Cooper : A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
Leonard Hofstadter : There's somebody working on that?
Sheldon Cooper : I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.
Leonard Hofstadter : Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.
Sheldon Cooper : A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
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[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter : Whatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?
Sheldon Cooper : The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
Sheldon Cooper : And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes.
[Sheldon gives a gasping derisive laugh]
Sheldon Cooper : What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
Leonard Hofstadter : A lot of people are working on that research.
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Sheldon Cooper : In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny : Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon Cooper : Correct.
Penny : So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon Cooper : Essentially, yes.
Penny : OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?
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Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon Cooper : I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.
Leonard Hofstadter : I am looking at you.
Sheldon Cooper : No, you're not. Pay *no* attention to that man in the bed.
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[last lines]
Penny : What up, Shelbot?
Sheldon Cooper : I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
Penny : What do you want me to do?
Penny : Sing me 'Soft Kitty'.
Penny : Really? You want me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to a computer monitor?
Sheldon Cooper : Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
Penny : [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
Sheldon Cooper : Closer to the microphone.
Penny : Happy kitty, pretty ki...
Sheldon Cooper : No, you have to start over.
Penny : [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur
[Sheldon starts playing his recorder]
Penny : Happy kitty, pretty kitty, purr, purr, purr.
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Sheldon Cooper : Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, sure.
[Raj opens the door for Sheldon's virtual presence device]
Sheldon Cooper : [to Leonard] He's a lamb. You're not.
Raj Koothrappali : [proudly] I'm a lamb.
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[Sheldon joins the others for dinner as his new "Shel-bot."]
Sheldon Cooper : Greetings, friends.
Leonard Hofstadter : Greetings, whatever-the-hell you are.
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Howard Wolowitz : [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper : That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny : [unimpressed] No, it won't.
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Sheldon Cooper : [Sheldon's virtual presence device has no arms] Leonard, my door.
Leonard Hofstadter : What about it?
Sheldon Cooper : Be a lamb and open it for me.
Leonard Hofstadter : [feigning ignorance] Why? What's the problem?
Sheldon Cooper : You think you have me stymied, don't you?
Leonard Hofstadter : No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
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Sheldon Cooper : You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak : Only 15th?
Sheldon Cooper : It's still 6 spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Steve Wozniak : Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
Sheldon Cooper : One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple II. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Steve Wozniak : Thanks. We were shooting for nifty. You know if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.
Sheldon Cooper : Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes depending on how the buses are running.
Steve Wozniak : Nerds.
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Howard Wolowitz : [Raj whispers in Howard's ear] You're right. Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper : That's an excellent idea! If we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny : [unenthused] No, it won't. Um... hey, how does he know I jog?
Howard Wolowitz : Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
Penny : [disgusted] Oh, my god! That is so creepy!
Howard Wolowitz : [mimicking Penny's tone of voice] I know!
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz : And he says he's not gonna stop.
[freaked out, Raj whispers in his ear again]
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, well, then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
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Penny : Have you ever run before?
Sheldon Cooper : Certainly. I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
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Sheldon Cooper : This may seem a little odd at first, but over time, You'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
Penny : Yeah. To be honest, I don't see much difference.
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Sheldon Cooper : Where's your heart rate monitor?
Penny : I don't have one.
Sheldon Cooper : What about you pedometer?
Penny : I don't have one.
Sheldon Cooper : Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Penny : No.
Sheldon Cooper : Well, what do you do? Do you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
Penny : No. I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
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Penny : [Sheldon just fell down the stairs] Oh my god, are you okay?
Sheldon Cooper : I think so.
Penny : Let me help you up.
Sheldon Cooper : Thank you.
[Very loud fart]
Penny : Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper : If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
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Sheldon Cooper : [Thinks he has appendicitis] So this is how it ends... with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter : No.
Sheldon Cooper : I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.
Leonard Hofstadter : Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh Lord, I think it's about to burst!
[Loud fart]
Sheldon Cooper : On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Leonard Hofstadter : Good night.
[Sheldon goes back to his room]
Sheldon Cooper : Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
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Sheldon Cooper : [Sheldon steers his mobile presence device up to Penny] You're in my spot.