- Sheldon Cooper: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
- Leonard Hofstadter: At the hands of your roommate?
- Sheldon Cooper: An accident.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's how I'm gonna make it look.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's a dogapus?
- Sheldon Cooper: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
- Leonard Hofstadter: There's somebody working on that?
- Sheldon Cooper: I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.
- Sheldon Cooper: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
- [first lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Whatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?
- Sheldon Cooper: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
- [Sheldon gives a gasping derisive laugh]
- Sheldon Cooper: What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
- Leonard Hofstadter: A lot of people are working on that research.
- Sheldon Cooper: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
- Penny: Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
- Sheldon Cooper: Correct.
- Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
- Sheldon Cooper: Essentially, yes.
- Penny: OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look. It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's my joke; I told it last night. You can't just use it.
- Howard Wolowitz: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I am looking at you.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, you're not. Pay *no* attention to that man in the bed.
- [last lines]
- Penny: What up, Shelbot?
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
- Penny: What do you want me to do?
- Penny: Sing me 'Soft Kitty'.
- Penny: Really? You want me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to a computer monitor?
- Sheldon Cooper: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
- Penny: [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
- Sheldon Cooper: Closer to the microphone.
- Penny: Happy kitty, pretty ki...
- Sheldon Cooper: No, you have to start over.
- Penny: [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur
- [Sheldon starts playing his recorder]
- Penny: Happy kitty, pretty kitty, purr, purr, purr.
- [Sheldon has introduced his 'virtual presence device' to his friends]
- Howard Wolowitz: [Raj whispers in his ear] Really? That's your question, "When did he put a ramp in"?
- Sheldon Cooper: Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, sure.
- [Raj opens the door for Sheldon's virtual presence device]
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] He's a lamb. You're not.
- Raj Koothrappali: [proudly] I'm a lamb.
- [Sheldon joins the others for dinner as his new "Shel-bot."]
- Sheldon Cooper: Greetings, friends.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Greetings, whatever-the-hell you are.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
- Penny: [unimpressed] No, it won't.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon's virtual presence device has no arms] Leonard, my door.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What about it?
- Sheldon Cooper: Be a lamb and open it for me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [feigning ignorance] Why? What's the problem?
- Sheldon Cooper: You think you have me stymied, don't you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
- Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's still 6 spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
- Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
- Sheldon Cooper: One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple II. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
- Steve Wozniak: Thanks. We were shooting for nifty. You know if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes depending on how the buses are running.
- Steve Wozniak: Nerds.
- Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
- Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
- [Leonard looks at Penny who has a stunned look on her face]
- Penny: What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
- Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
- Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.
- [Raj whispers in Howard's ear, and they start laughing]
- Penny: What?
- Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
- Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Raj whispers in Howard's ear] You're right. Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! If we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
- Penny: [unenthused] No, it won't. Um... hey, how does he know I jog?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
- Penny: [disgusted] Oh, my god! That is so creepy!
- Howard Wolowitz: [mimicking Penny's tone of voice] I know!
- [Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
- Howard Wolowitz: And he says he's not gonna stop.
- [freaked out, Raj whispers in his ear again]
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
- Penny: Have you ever run before?
- Sheldon Cooper: Certainly. I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
- Sheldon Cooper: This may seem a little odd at first, but over time, You'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
- Penny: Yeah. To be honest, I don't see much difference.
- Sheldon Cooper: Where's your heart rate monitor?
- Penny: I don't have one.
- Sheldon Cooper: What about you pedometer?
- Penny: I don't have one.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
- Penny: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, what do you do? Do you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
- Penny: No. I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
- Penny: What's my share?
- Leonard Hofstadter: 12 bucks.
- Penny: Can I get it to you after Friday, when I get paid?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sure
- Penny: What am I up to now?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt, and your rent, a little over $1400.
- [Raj whispers in Howard's ear and both giggle]
- Penny: What now?
- Howard Wolowitz: He's just expressing his admiration that you don't even have to put out to get free stuff.
- Penny: It's not free. I'm going to pay him back.
- Penny: [Raj whispers into Howard's ear again and both giggle] Shut up!
- Penny: [Sheldon just fell down the stairs] Oh my god, are you okay?
- Sheldon Cooper: I think so.
- Penny: Let me help you up.
- Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
- [Very loud fart]
- Penny: Oh, Sheldon!
- Sheldon Cooper: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Thinks he has appendicitis] So this is how it ends... with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Funny how things work out, isn't it?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh Lord, I think it's about to burst!
- [Loud fart]
- Sheldon Cooper: On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.
- [Sheldon goes back to his room]
- Sheldon Cooper: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
- Penny: [to Raj and Howard] So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? only 1400 bucks.
- [Raj and Howard giggle at first and then think about it]