- Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
- Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
- Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
- Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
- Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
- [Priya and Raj enter]
- Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
- Howard Wolowitz: Can I see her?
- Dr. Bernstein: Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Me? Why me?
- Howard Wolowitz: Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well, wish me luck.
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
- Dr. Bernstein: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
- Dr. Bernstein: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
- Penny: Oh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.
- Leonard Hofstadter: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly...
- Raj Koothrappali: Like what?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed, I'd put on a little show for her.
- Raj Koothrappali: What do you mean "a show"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like the way I took my clothes off.
- Raj Koothrappali: Like to music?
- Leonard Hofstadter: It'd look pretty stupid if there was no music!
- Raj Koothrappali: So you'd do a striptease?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole
- Raj Koothrappali: Good, good...
- Leonard Hofstadter: There was one time I put body glitter on.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, she wouldn't.
- Raj Koothrappali: Your big problem is me telling her.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You really are a mean little man.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, let's go!
- Sheldon Cooper: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
- Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't.
- Penny: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
- Sheldon Cooper: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
- Sheldon Cooper: I would think he would know that.
- Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.
- Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
- Howard Wolowitz: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
- Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
- Howard Wolowitz: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
- Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this.
- [clutches his chest]
- Priya Koothrappali: It's nice of you to show up for Howard
- Penny: Howard is my friend
- [she giggles]
- Priya Koothrappali: Did I miss something?
- Penny: Howard Wolowitz is my friend, you know one time he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose?
- Priya Koothrappali: That's easier to believe than he's your friend
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [about Mrs. Wolowitz] She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
- Howard Wolowitz: Where are you going?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you!
- [she exits]
- Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj and Leonard] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's nice that they're getting along.
- Raj Koothrappali: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend hang out together? Oh yeah. That can only be good for you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
- Raj Koothrappali: One of them broke up with you; do you really want her telling the other one why?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have anything to hide.
- Raj Koothrappali: Good, good. Then you've nothing to worry about.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. I do not.
- [pauses]
- Leonard Hofstadter: You are a mean little man!
- Raj Koothrappali: You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon has walked into a quarantined room] Oh, what fresh hell is this?
- [tries to leave]
- Nurse in Biohazard Suit: Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed!
- Sheldon Cooper: [puts his shirt over his nose] No, I haven't. It's all good.
- [last lines]
- [the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
- Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
- Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!
- [to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
- Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
- Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
- Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
- Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
- Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
- [plays card]
- Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.
- [brief pause]
- Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
- Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
- Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
- Sheldon Cooper: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You all right?
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.
- [Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
- Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
- Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
- Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
- [Sheldon takes a drink of water]
- Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, that's my water.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord!
- [he runs into the bathroom]
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's not your water.
- Raj Koothrappali: I know.
- [Leonard smiles]
- Sheldon Cooper: [off-screen] Where's the mouth wash?
- Raj Koothrappali: [pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him] Where indeed?
- [the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
- Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
- Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
- Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
- Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
- Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
- Raj Koothrappali: Sorry.
- [plays card]
- Raj Koothrappali: Walking tree.
- [looks at Sheldon imploringly]
- Sheldon Cooper: Last one
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
- Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
- Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
- Howard Wolowitz: It's the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
- Debbie Wolowitz: I had a pastrami sandwich. She had eggplant lasagna, like that's what a person orders in a Jewish deli.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're a putz! You know what that means?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, do you?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
- Howard Wolowitz: And are you?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No, because I'm engaged to a putz!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What took you guys so long?
- Priya Koothrappali: Oh, we were just chatting.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's nice. What about?
- Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
- [Penny and Leonard laugh]
- Leonard Hofstadter: [uncomfortable] That's funny.
- Penny: Yeah.
- Raj Koothrappali: [after Penny and Priya walk to their seats] What if she wasn't kidding?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.
- Penny: Hey, do me a favor and take table 7?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean the one with my 118-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
- Penny: No, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful, sophisticated girlfriend who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
- Penny: Oh please, you're not that kind of person.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know. But if she orders something low-fat, I'll totally give her the full-fat version.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
- Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
- Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
- Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
- Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
- Priya Koothrappali: You know, my brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves 'The New Delhi Power Rangers'.
- Penny: You mean when he was little.
- Priya Koothrappali: Not as little as you'd want him to be.
- Howard Wolowitz: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
- Penny: What's the difference?
- Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
- Penny: You want to talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up... It makes him desperate to please women. That's why the foreplay goes on and on.
- Priya Koothrappali: It does, doesn't it?
- Penny: It's like he's trying to win a prize. A word of advice... don't doze off. You will never hear the end of it.
- Sheldon Cooper: [at the hospital] Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
- Sheldon Cooper: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm not taking you home.
- Sheldon Cooper: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
- Howard Wolowitz: No!
- Sheldon Cooper: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take.