- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing up?
- Sheldon Cooper: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.
- [first lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
- Sheldon Cooper: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What does that have to with me and women?
- Sheldon Cooper: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.
- [there's a knock at the apartment door]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Want to get that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Not particularly.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Could you get that?
- Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I *could* if I were asked.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Would you please get that!
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?
- Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He's responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo, I do not like you.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson: But I actually didn't demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.
- Sheldon Cooper: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.
- Raj Koothrappali: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm brown and I talk funny.
- Howard Wolowitz: They're just doing a background check on me.
- Raj Koothrappali: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.
- Raj Koothrappali: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
- Howard Wolowitz: You're giving me a couch cushion?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
- Sheldon Cooper: But you love that spot.
- Howard Wolowitz: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.
- [last lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
- Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
- Penny: How long?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.
- Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, "Hello, Maker of the Universe. I see what you did there. Good one."
- Howard Wolowitz: I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, there it is. Here comes a cavity search.
- FBI Special Agent Angela Page: Excuse me?
- Raj Koothrappali: Please don't send me back to India; it's so crowded! It's like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, except everybody's wearing the same costume: Indian Guy.
- FBI Special Agent Angela Page: Dr. Koothrappali, I'm not...
- Raj Koothrappali: I love this country! The-the baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity! From California to the New York Island! I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy!
- Sheldon Cooper: You say you're Special Agent Page, FBI.
- FBI Special Agent Angela Page: Here's my I.D.
- Sheldon Cooper: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn't prove I know Batman.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste!
- Sheldon Cooper: Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
- Penny: What are you doing here?
- Sheldon Cooper: I have troubles, Penny. I've come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.
- Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.
- Sheldon Cooper: So you're saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, you don't have insomnia. You're sleeping now.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're having a guilt-ridden dream.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?
- Leonard Hofstadter: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch.
- [the Gorn waves]
- Sheldon Cooper: That seems fairly conclusive.
- Sheldon Cooper: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.
- Howard Wolowitz: You?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.
- Howard Wolowitz: And they were okay with that?
- Sheldon Cooper: No. If anything, I made it worse.