- Wyatt: [Penny's dad, urging Leonard to get back together with her] Please, please, please don't give up on her!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Wyatt: I can't go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers, and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Gee, I don't know if it's in the cards, sir.
- Wyatt: Then stack the deck! Cheat! Lie! I don't care! I want grandkids before I die, and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You'll never guess what just happened.
- Sheldon Cooper: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work in the Thinkatorium, by telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Awww...
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny kissed me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, who would ever guess that?
- Howard Wolowitz: Aah, this takes me back, Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in awhile, it's nice to hear the hits.
- Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, ooh, do "Our babies will be smart and beautiful". That one always makes me laugh.
- [Howard has invited Bernadette to join Raj, who is monitoring a telescope]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: So, where's the telescope?
- Howard Wolowitz: It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
- Howard Wolowitz: I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I bother talking to you people?
- Sheldon Cooper: If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.
- Penny: Oh, my God! What personal habits?
- Sheldon Cooper: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number twelve.
- Sheldon Cooper: Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again,
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon throws the agreement up in the air] Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?
- [first lines]
- Raj Koothrappali: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
- Howard Wolowitz: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
- Leonard Hofstadter: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
- Sheldon Cooper: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
- Howard Wolowitz: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
- Sheldon Cooper: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hello, Hawaii. This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena. I'd like you to reposition the telescope please.
- [pause]
- Raj Koothrappali: Scarlett Johansson's house.
- [laughs hysterically]
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm kidding, Hawaii, mahalo!
- [Raj and Howard are playing Intergalactic Battleship]
- Howard Wolowitz: C-7.
- Raj Koothrappali: Miss.
- Howard Wolowitz: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit. C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.
- Raj Koothrappali: Not if it has a hole in the middle.
- Howard Wolowitz: What kind of space ship has a hole in the middle?
- Raj Koothrappali: A... Romulan battle bagel?
- Penny: I kinda told my father we got back together again.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What? Why?
- Penny: Well, you're the first guy he's ever really approved of, you know, you're a scientist who went to college, and you don't have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or - or a baby.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?
- Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heart-broken, and he kept bugging me: "How's Leonard?", "Why can't you get back together with Leonard?", "I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself."
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.
- [last lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?
- Howard Wolowitz: Wh... Where did that come from?
- Raj Koothrappali: He never touched my telescope!
- Howard Wolowitz: Way to go shutting up.
- Raj Koothrappali: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
- Howard Wolowitz: Fine.
- Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
- [pause]
- Raj Koothrappali: How come you didn't call me this morning?
- Sheldon Cooper: [answering the phone] Hello.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the elevator's out of order; you'll have to use the stairs.
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the sixteenth century while the first elevator was not installed until 1852; that means that for over three hundred years people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.
- Wyatt: I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri. And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.
- Sheldon Cooper: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
- Raj Koothrappali: I can't be drinking! I'm about to make an important scientific discovery here!
- Howard Wolowitz: What - ? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.
- Raj Koothrappali: How do you know that?
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, he was Italian. It's a reasonable assumption.
- Raj Koothrappali: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I'm sorry, Galileo drank diet Sprite!
- Penny: Do you know what I've been doing for the last hour?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
- Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You gotta admit, I am, I'm delightful.
- Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [smirking] It's not difficult for me. I'm having fun.
- Penny: Leonard!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What do you want me to do? You started this. You wanna go over and tell him we're broken up?
- Penny: No.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, then, what do you want?
- Penny: I don't know.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you think that's something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
- Penny: [pauses] Maybe.
- Penny: Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...
- Leonard Hofstadter: Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?
- Sheldon Cooper: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.
- Penny: [to Leonard] No, you're right.
- [to Sheldon]
- Penny: No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States Government to keep it a secret.
- Raj Koothrappali: Noting happened. Can we please just change the subject?
- Sheldon Cooper: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.
- Howard Wolowitz: Actually, Indian Monopoly is just like regular, except the money's in rupees, instead of hotels, you build call centers, and when you take a Chance card, you might die of dysentery.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard is the signatory to the roommate agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Fines?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Penny's going to be spending nights here again, you'll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.