- Jerry Gergich: When they're missing this long, they're usually dead.
- Tom Haverford: Well, if that's true, then you're gonna have to answer to the whole town. And God!
- Jerry Gergich: You were the one who let him out, Tom, okay? Now stop trying to blame me!
- April Ludgate: Jerry, can you please be quiet? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
- Andy Dwyer: Ron, will you please tell me why April is mad at me?
- April Ludgate: Ron, can you please tell Andy...
- Ron Swanson: All of you, be quiet! Andy, she's mad because you said 'Awesome sauce!' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you. Stop being a child. Tom, you're clearly at fault here - blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, we both know you were shotgunning funnel cakes instead of watching 'Lil Sebastian. So everyone apologize to everyone else!
- Ben Wyatt: Come on, you don't really think the whole town believes in curses.
- Leslie Knope: No, we're all rational human beings who believe that we're in charge of our own destinies. Please, Ben.
- Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people: they like Matchbox 20, and they are terrified of curses.
- April Ludgate: Maybe Lil Sebastian got upset because he tried to share his true feelings with someone and they didn't reciprocate!
- Ken Hotate: I'm sorry, Leslie, but this is a big one. I'm under a lot of pressure. I'm going to need to formally ask you to move the carnival. I'm sorry.
- Ben Wyatt: What's going on?
- Leslie Knope: The carnival is on the site of the Battle of Indian Hill, which was an epic seven-day battle that the Wamapoke lost... due to the fact that they didn't have any weapons.
- Ken Hotate: During the battle, 93-year-old Chief Wakote was shot 102 times by the cavalry.
- Tom Haverford: Did he die?
- Tom Haverford: What did you do now, Jerry?
- Jerry Gergich: I didn't do this!
- Tom Haverford: [Chants] Jerry's fault! Jerry's fault! Jerry's fault!
- Leslie Knope: This festival was supposed to be my love letter to Pawnee. Now it's just turned into a note that says 'I wanna see other people.'