- Dwight Schrute: Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
- Michael Scott: [Leaving a phone message for Holly] Hi Holly, it's Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it's just... you know? It's weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freakshow. And you and me, that must've been a real trainwreck. You know what? Holly, you're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don't-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might... you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye!
- Andy Bernard: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
- [Stanely laughing]
- Andy Bernard: ...this pencil.
- Stanley Hudson: [laughs even harder] Oh, God!
- Andy Bernard: What?
- Oscar Martinez: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
- Andy Bernard: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
- Meredith Palmer: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
- [bleep]
- Andy Bernard: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
- Meredith Palmer: I didn't want it!
- Andy Bernard: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
- [throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]
- Astrid Levinson: [runs into office] Mommy!
- Jan Levinson: [picks her up] Assie! Oh,
- [starts singing]
- Jan Levinson: how was school?
- Astrid Levinson: It was cool!
- Jan Levinson: [singing] What did you learn?
- Astrid Levinson: What did I learn?
- Jan Levinson: [singing] You might've learned shapes or blocks or clocks or colors, or you might've learned that we're all sisters and brothers!
- Michael Scott: [smiles] I have herpes!
- Jan Levinson: Wha- you... h...
- Andy Bernard: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
- Stanley Hudson: Not again.
- Andy Bernard: What do you mean "again"?
- Stanley Hudson: You're always asking for our attention.
- Andy Bernard: Well, maybe like a year ago.
- Stanley Hudson: Mmm. Seems recent.
- Andy Bernard: No, that's...
- Oscar Martinez: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
- Andy Bernard: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
- Phyllis Vance: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
- Stanley Hudson: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
- Oscar Martinez: That's right.
- Andy Bernard: It's the world's only international sport, so...
- Pam Beesly: It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early, before it derails and destroys the entire town.
- Holly Flax: [On Michael's office phone] This is Holly.
- Michael Scott: No, this is Holly.
- Holly Flax: No, *this* is Holly.
- Michael Scott: No, this is Holly.
- Holly Flax: No, this is Michael Scott.
- Michael Scott: Busted! So what can I do for you Holly?
- Holly Flax: I'm calling because of a terrible car accident.
- Michael Scott: Oh really? Was anyone killed?
- Holly Flax: A *lot* of people.
- Michael Scott: Any nuns?
- Holly Flax: Three nuns, missionaries from South Africa.
- Michael Scott: Were they in the missionary position?
- Dwight Schrute: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg, and tells them it's Canada.