The Office (TV Series)

Threat Level Midnight (2011)

Leslie David Baker: Stanley Hudson

Quotes 

• Narrator : Well, the hostages were scared.

  Hostage #1 , Roy Anderson : Help, help!

  Hostage #2 : Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us!

  Goldenface : Oh, someone's coming, alright. The only man who would care, Michael Scarn.

  Sandra : Why are you doing this, Goldenface?

  Goldenface : Why? Because I have unfinished business with Scarn, and you're my trap. See, I'm gonna lure him here. Then, I'm gonna kill everybody. Then, I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good! Hahahaha! Right now, I'm going to do some drugs. So, don't try anything.

  Roy Anderson : We need to choose a leader. Someone who's tough enough to take on Goldenface.

  [Goldenface leaves the area] 

  Sandra : I could be the leader.

  Hostage #2 : What makes you so tough?

  Sandra : I have experience as a leader, a negotiator, a general and a cop. In other words, I'm a mom.

  Hostage #3 : It'll be Sandra.

  Hostage #2 : Listen. It doesn't matter who's leader! It's every man for himself down here. There is only one way out and it is through that door.

  [he crashes into the door, where Goldenface returns] 

  Goldenface : Those drugs really hit the spot. So, you guys chosen a leader yet?

  Sandra : Gulp!

• Narrator : Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn.

  [Michael Scarn reveals himself as the narrator] 

  Narrator : Well, because I AM Michael Scarn.

• Michael Scarn : Well, well, well. So, you are Jasmine Windsong.

  Jasmine Windsong : Sorry. I don't sign autographs.

  Michael Scarn : I don't need your autograph. I have Nora Dunn's autograph, Jack Kemp's autograph and Jerome Bettis's autograph.

  Jasmine Windsong : That's not a bad collection.

  Michael Scarn : I'm looking for some people.

  Jasmine Windsong : I don't know about any hostages.

  Michael Scarn : Who said that they were hostages?

  Jasmine Windsong : Stranger, I don't know what you're talking about.

  Narrator : Michael knew that the only way to get Jasmine to tell him where the hostages were was to make her fall in love with him. And to do that was to be himself.

  Michael Scarn : Well, maybe, I should tell you a little bit about me. I love Billy Joel songs, and I love fish sandwiches. I love babies and I love puppies. And I actually like to think of puppies as baby dogs. I don't know. That seems a little weird. I'm part Bruce Wayne, part Bruce Willis and part Bruce Vilanch.

  Jasmine Windsong : Just stick around my set. I think you'll find it very informative.

  [she uses the microphone] 

  Jasmine Windsong : Hello, everyone. I'm afraid this might be my last performance. This one goes out to anyone who has been held hostage.

  [she starts singing] 

  Jasmine Windsong : I love-

  [Michael Scarn records her singing and plays it in reverse] 

  Jasmine Windsong : The hostages are under the stadium.

  [a toxic dart from Goldenface's minion lands on her throat] 

  Michael Scarn : Check, please.

• Narrator : It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he'd lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't, of course. He just wasn't using it right now.