- Tyler: Why don't you go easy on me, man? I got my ass beaten about a week ago
- Hank Moody: I know. I know that. And I was almost sad when I heard the news. And than I was vaguely disappointed when I heard you weren't gonna die or anything like that. But knowing that you were in great pain did make me smile. It's the little things, you know.
- Hank Moody: Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.
- Charlie Runkle: That is profound... ly depressing.
- Hank Moody: Charlie?
- Charlie Runkle: Yes?
- Hank Moody: Is that a dildo in your pocket or you're just happy to see me go.
- Tyler: My folks were out of town, alright?
- Hank Moody: That's what your folks told you. They actually hate your guts and rue the day that your father ever failed to pull out in time.
- Charlie Runkle: I'm trying to re-discover the simple pleasures of a masturbating teenager. When girls were magical creatures, who didn't go ATM.
- Charlie Runkle: I have been watching so much porn on the internet lately that I've been seeking so much sexual gratification that it's like I don't even know how to relate to real women anymore.
- Hank Moody: You think that your father loved your mother's beautiful pussy any less because she had more hair down there?
- Club Guy: Don't be talking about my mom's pussy!
- Hank Moody: Why? I said it was beautiful, man.
- Hank Moody: Grab yourself a lady friend.
- Charlie Runkle: It's not that easy. I'm old and bald and lacking in social skills.
- Hank Moody: Yeah, but you do make a decent living. And you have this groovy pad.
- Charlie Runkle: And that's really good for the hedonist. It impresses the shit out of the strippers and the barmaids. But what if I want something more?
- Hank Moody: Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.