An Idiot Abroad (TV Series)

Trans-Siberian Express (2011)

Karl Pilkington: Self - Presenter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Taxi Driver : I hope you do not value your life too much and got good life insurance. The brakes on this car just failed. It's the worst car I ever bought. It's British and I never thought a car could be made that bad.

  Karl : Right.

  Taxi Driver : What brings you here?

  Karl : Well, I'm going on the train, the Trans-Siberian Railway. It's things to do before you die. Have you been on it?

  Taxi Driver : Why would I want to do something that's totally predictable? I'll leave it to you British. You will be packed in a smelly carriage with Russians who will not wash for a week but they will drink a lot. Siberia is nothing, just one huge field.

  Karl : You're not selling it to me.

  Taxi Driver : Anyway, what did you want to see? The Red Square?

  Karl : Whatever you think is worth seeing here.

  Taxi Driver : Nothing.

• Interviewer : What superpower would you like, then?

  Karl : I can't help you with one. I'd be bullshit man. There's so many meetings going on where, you know people are bullshitting. I'd just like to walk in. I wouldn't need a special costume, just dressed like this and I would fly in and I'd go, "Bullshit. He's talking bullshit." And they'd go, "Oh. He's Bullshit Man." And I'd go, "Yea. It is Bullshit Man. You're talking bullshit." And eventually, people would stop talking bullshit. Anything that's going on in the world: A bloke selling a car that's knackered, and he's going to say it's a great one, and it's

  [whoosh] 

  Karl : "Bullshit!"

• Karl Pilkington : I look like an acorn.

• Ricky Gervais : How long are you on the toilet?

  Karl : Ages. I sit there loads.

  Ricky Gervais : Why?

  Karl : It's just me time, isn't it. I like to sit in there. It's me, there's no one else coming in there annoying me in there. Everywhere else I go in the house, Suzzane is there. "You haven't do this yet, have you called them yet? That needs fixing." She doesn't come in there. Shut the door, sit there, me legs go numb. That's, that's a thing for me that I got to get off in a minute. Because otherwise she'll have to come in there and help me off.

• Karl : [getting strapped into the G-force centrifuge]  Have I ever done anything like this before? What, gone in a tumble dryer?

• Karl : Me brain is always against me. Me brain is never on my side. The brain will make me panic. It'll be going, what are you doing? There's worms in here. You could die here.