- Ted Mosby: The date with Nadine went great. Unless you guys found something.
- Barney Stinson: Are you sitting down?
- Ted Mosby: No...
- [He sits down]
- Robin Scherbatsky: She's wanted in Florida on Crystal Meth charges.
- Barney Stinson: She breeds pitbulls for dog fighting.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Also, the FBI has...
- Ted Mosby: [Cuts Robin off] What's this link?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, she also writes online movie reviews. Anyway, she's still married to a death row inmate convicted for...
- Ted Mosby: [Cuts Robin off again] She gave Annie Hall two out of ten stars? "Slow and overrated"?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Really? That's your takeway?
- Ted Mosby: It's the Woodman at the height of his powers! The way he broke the fourth wall by talking directly to camera... people have been ripping that off ever since.
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Looking at the camera] Can you believe this guy?
- Robin Scherbatsky: The bitch is hiding something.
- Barney Stinson: The bitch's totally hiding something
- Barney Stinson: Oh my god they're six minutes into the date! Ted has probably already told her that he loves her! We gotta get down there!
- Ted Mosby: I don't want a background check. I want adventure and excitement. Look, if it's a choice between mystery and history, I want mystery.
- Barney Stinson: Oh my Gog! They're six minutes into the date. Ted's probably already told her that he loves her! We've got to get down there!
- Kevin: Nobody's going anywhere!
- Robin Scherbatsky: Why?
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped] I wanna go home, daddy!
- Robin Sr.: [Points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves.
- [Hands Robin a Swiss knife]
- Robin Sr.: I'll see you in three days.
- Robin Scherbatsky: But what am I supposed to eat?
- Robin Sr.: You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet?
- [drops off Robin]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Papa!
- Robin Sr.: Happy Birthday, son!
- Ted Mosby: While this font is often mistaken for Helvetica, it's actually Helvetica Bold. I can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up.
- Ted Mosby: Paula Vincenzo. She's in the bathroom. What's wrong with her?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Total psycho. Her Facebook wall has a link to a site about dating inanimate objects. For most of last year, she was engaged... to a mini fridge.
- Barney Stinson: And there's pictures. Her and the mini fridge on a hike. Her and the mini fridge in wine country. There's the mini fridge meeting her parents.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Run like the wind!