- Pam Beesly: Dwight, am I hot right now?
- Dwight Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
- Andy Bernard: Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now, and I'll tell you how we can beat it.
- The Client: Uh, well we've been going with...
- Erin Hannon: Andy.
- Andy Bernard: Yeah.
- Erin Hannon: You have a very important call.
- Andy Bernard: I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.
- Erin Hannon: Are you sure? It's really, really important.
- Andy Bernard: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
- Erin Hannon: Really? Because your mother is dead.
- The Client: Oh my God.
- Andy Bernard: I don't think she's dead.
- Erin Hannon: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.
- Andy Bernard: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
- Erin Hannon: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.
- Dwight Schrute: Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
- The Client: Oh, you must take this call. It's...
- Andy Bernard: Yeah. Um line 1?
- Erin Hannon: Line 2.
- Andy Bernard: Hi.
- Darryl Philbin: [on phone] It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
- Andy Bernard: Ooh, gosh!
- Darryl Philbin: Dude.
- Andy Bernard: Officer.
- Darryl Philbin: Look man, this is a bad idea.
- Andy Bernard: Did she have any last words or?
- Darryl Philbin: Really? That is messed up man.
- Andy Bernard: Oh, make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
- Darryl Philbin: You're a bad man Andy Bernard.
- Andy Bernard: That is so mom.
- Darryl Philbin: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle...
- Andy Bernard: Alright, thank you, officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?
- Dwight Schrute: Helen Mirren was born Helen Mirrenoff,
- [disgusted]
- Dwight Schrute: That's right, you're fake-salivating over a Soviet-era Russian.
- Jim Halpert: No, I'm not going time tell my nine months pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two year okd daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.