- Manny Delgado: [Gloria is yelling at her family in Spanish on the phone] I understood 'crazy old witch', 'go kill yourself', then 'I love you'.
- Jay Pritchett: I'll never get this, how you all yell at each other.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's how you know that your family loves you - when they feel free to scream at you!
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, I guess I owe my ex-wife an apology. Apparently, she was nuts about me.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Taxi! You see? They don't stop because I'm Latina!
- Haley Dunphy: Or because that was just a yellow car.
- Alex Dunphy: I shouldn't even be giving you this hint, but... first, get a mirror.
- Claire Dunphy: A mirror?
- Alex Dunphy: Then you're gonna look in it, and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.
- [Walks away]
- Claire Dunphy: You know, *I* made the egg that made *you*, that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that design is already mine!
- Luke Dunphy: Ugh! I wouldn't have to do any of this if Alex would just let me use hers from when she took the class.
- Alex Dunphy: Never. That design is my intellectual property. I think it has applications for unmanned space flight.
- Haley Dunphy: Keep talking like that and you'll go through life unmanned.
- Mitchell Pritchett: We're meeting with prospective mothers.
- Cameron Tucker: We've had a few of these meetings, and they're very nerve-racking. You want to look good, you want to make a good first impression - kind of like a first date.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Actually, it's-it's the opposite of a first date. You don't wanna have sex, but you do want a baby.
- Cameron Tucker: Yes, she was upset, but on a positive note, what I take from this experience is, I can sing.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Uh, what we didn't take away from the experience is a baby, because she decided to keep it.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, well, look at it this way - we're not only adopting a baby, we're saving it from a life spent searching for East Dakota.
- Claire Dunphy: You know, this is your fault.
- Jay Pritchett: What?
- Claire Dunphy: The way we compete with each other, it's-it's sick. It's so sick, two thirteen year olds know how to take advantage of us. And you know what? You made me this way.
- Jay Pritchett: How do you figure that?
- Claire Dunphy: Dad! You pushed me into sports; you never let me win. You know, that stuff - it does something to a girl.
- Jay Pritchett: For your information, you came out of the womb like that. I'm not entirely sure that wasn't a twin in there you bumped off.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Claire is the son that my dad never had. I mean, he just wanted someone to throw a ball in the backyard. I did once, but... he did not attend.