- Dwight Schrute: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
- Oscar Martinez: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years! Time is a son of a bitch.
- Dwight Schrute: If you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
- Jim Halpert: I'm sure- I'm sure she's in a better place. I really hope so.
- [Dwight is making a dirtball]
- Jim Halpert: Okay, now this is crazy. You can't make a dirtball...
- Dwight Schrute: [crying] I miss her so much.
- [He screams and throws the dirtball in Jim's face]
- Todd Packer: My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
- Kevin Malone: Packer, we accept.
- [Everyone objects]
- Todd Packer: Actually, I have a specific way I need to do this, and I have to go through examples of stuff. Okay, uh, where to begin? Hey, Pam-Pam and her Pam-Pams. Well I have said some crude things about those. But they are beautiful, and I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts. Sorry guys.
- [to Phyllis]
- Todd Packer: Oh, boy. I have not been nice to you. Phylly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin... This kid
- [Clark]
- Todd Packer: in a few years.
- Pam Beesly: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
- Todd Packer: Why can't I just be nice?
- Todd Packer: I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes from that place, Nipples.
- Pam Beesly: I think it's called Nibbles.
- Todd Packer: The mind sees what it wants to, huh?