Modern Family (TV Series)

Open House of Horrors (2012)

Ty Burrell: Phil Dunphy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Luke Dunphy : Why are there giant lollipops all over the front yard? And why do they taste so bad?

  Alex Dunphy : Because they're made out of cardboard, mouthbreather.

  Phil Dunphy : Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Luke. Never stop licking things.

• Phil Dunphy : You don't get to be two-time nonconsecutive district salesman of the year without thinking inside the box. That's right; I said 'inside.' You know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing each other around outside the box, you know what the box is?

  [Taps his head] 

  Phil Dunphy : Empty.

• Claire Dunphy : How's your open house?

  Phil Dunphy : Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

  Claire Dunphy : It's pretty lonely here, too. We have been shunned by the whole neighborhood.

  Phil Dunphy : That's ridiculous. All over some mild little gag you pulled?

  Claire Dunphy : It was not mild. There was an investiga...

  Phil Dunphy : Shh! Oh, I-I thought I hear someone. I guess it was just trees tapping against the window. It's pretty creepy over here in this rattly old house.

  [Claire gets an idea] 

  Phil Dunphy : Anyway, I'll probably give it another 30 minutes, then I'll see you at home.

  Claire Dunphy : Okay. Bye.

  [Hangs up and snickers] 

  Alex Dunphy : What are you laughing about?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know. Your poor, dumb dad.

• Phil Dunphy : [On the phone]  I'll fill you in at the staff meeting after Keneally's done telling us about his morning commute.

  [Closes a door; misses Claire standing behind it trying to scare him] 

  Phil Dunphy : That's hilarious! You sound just like him; you are so doing that at Christmas Talent night.

  [In the next room] 

  Phil Dunphy : Dude, 'Rich Girl', 'Sara Smile', then a 'Maneater' encore.

  [Closes a curtain on Claire] 

  Phil Dunphy : It was scary how good they were. Close your eyes, it could've been the real band.

  [Walking up the stairs] 

  Phil Dunphy : Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool once, and now he wants to double the stakes.

  [Sarcastic, not noticing Claire in the doorway] 

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, I'm so scared! Right?

  [Next room] 

  Phil Dunphy : Well, this night was a bust. Not a single person even--

  [Notice's Claire's Bo Peep staff] 

  Phil Dunphy : Or did I speak too soon? Was someone in the mood to be a bad little ghoul?

  [Remembers he's on the phone] 

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, Connie, I didn't mean you. I'm-- Hey, that's just- that's just the divorce talking. Hang in there.

• Phil Dunphy : [Looking around the house]  This isn't gonna work, Claire, 'cause I know you're here. What's the plan, anyway? You gonna pop out at me? It's gonna take more than that to scare this realtor...

  Home Buyer #1 : Hello!

  Phil Dunphy : [Jumping]  Hey!

  Home Buyer #1 : Is the house still open?

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, yes! Yes! I'll be right down.

  [Lowered voice] 

  Phil Dunphy : Claire, this is serious! I have a job! Not that you don't. You work 24/7 and you don't get half the appreciation you deserve. Can we talk about this later?

• Phil Dunphy : As you potential buyers can see, this is a, uh, a beautiful home.

  Home Buyer #1 : What's behind here?

  Phil Dunphy : [Expecting Claire]  Oh, I wouldn't go in there!

  [Checks behind the curtain] 

  Phil Dunphy : Unless you love formal dining rooms!

  Home Buyer #1 : Wow! Honey, look at this!

  Home Buyer #2 : I'm in the kitchen.

  Phil Dunphy : Oh, we should probably stay together!

  [Grabs the wife's arm] 

  Phil Dunphy : Come on, Sheila!

  Home Buyer #2 : Phil, one question, are these...

  Phil Dunphy : Hey, hey! I just love to see people's reactions when I show them-

  [quickly checks cupboard for Claire] 

  Phil Dunphy : -so much storage! What? It's crazy! I think that you guys will find that this house is full of so many... delightful surprises, that you'll be happy here for...

  Home Buyer #1 : [In the other room]  Oh, my God!

  Phil Dunphy : I don't know her!

• Phil Dunphy : Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can come out now. Claire? Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary. It's been such a long day. Can we please just go home?

  [the wind whistles and the power goes out] 

  Phil Dunphy : All right. I'm leaving without ya.

  [TV turns on, but there's only static] 

  Phil Dunphy : So... *this* remote you know how to use.

  [Turns the TV off; the phone rings and he drops the remote; slowly goes to answer it] 

  Phil Dunphy : Yes?

  Claire Dunphy : Phil, where are you?

  Phil Dunphy : Claire? Where are you?

  Claire Dunphy : I came over to scare you, but then I heard you showing the house to that couple, so I got out of your way.

  Phil Dunphy : Are... you at home?

  Claire Dunphy : Yeah, I got here ten minutes ago.

  Phil Dunphy : S-so... so you're saying... this call isn't coming from inside the house?

  Claire Dunphy : What are you talking about? Just get home, the kids and I are hungry.

  Alex Dunphy : Yeah, hurry up, Dad!

  Luke Dunphy : We miss you!

  Phil Dunphy : ... miss you too, Buddy...

  [Hangs up the phone; heads to the door but is distracted by a thump upstairs; walks into the bedroom to grab his keys on the bed] 

  Alex Dunphy : [Grabs his foot from under the bed]  Ah!

  Phil Dunphy : Aah! Aah!

  Luke Dunphy : [Jumps out from the closet]  Trick or treat!

  Phil Dunphy : Aaah!

  Claire Dunphy : [Jumps up from the bed]  Aah!

  Phil Dunphy : AAAHHH!

  Phil Dunphy : [Cutaway interviews]  I wasn't really that scared.

  [Claire smirks at him] 

• Claire Dunphy : What do you mean I'm not even scary? I literally almost scared the life out of a man.

  Phil Dunphy : You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

  Claire Dunphy : I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.

  Phil Dunphy : That's the point, Claire. It was overkill. You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

• Phil Dunphy : [Giving a house tour]  ... which brings us back to our formal dining room. Now, any questions?

  Einstein : Can we have our candy now?

  Phil Dunphy : Just as soon as we go over what you're gonna tell your parents. Now, what was our style?

  Einstein , Einstein's Friend #1 , Einstein's Friend #2 : [Sullenly]  Pre-war craftsman.

  Phil Dunphy : Good, good. And how many square feet?

  Einstein , Einstein's Friend #1 , Einstein's Friend #2 : 3,500.

• Phil Dunphy : I don't care what anyone says, you did not give that man a heart attack.

  Claire Dunphy : Thank you!

  Phil Dunphy : I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?

  Claire Dunphy : Oh, yeah, sure, but...

  Phil Dunphy : [Taking a few pieces, then a handful, then emptying the contents into his bag]  It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their... kids out of traffic. Now they can get away from that all *and* see a nice house.