Modern Family (TV Series)

Open House of Horrors (2012)

Jesse Tyler Ferguson: Mitchell Pritchett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mitchell Pritchett : Hey, Cam? I'm hearing a rumor that you keep flashing our guests.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, well, not in a perverted way. I just want people to see my body under this stupid costume.

  Mitchell Pritchett : That's very close to what actual flashers say.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Daddy?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, one second, honey.

  Cameron Tucker : I'm just tired of throwing out compliments and not getting anything back. I told Roberto his spray tan looked real. Look for yourself - it's on two of our pillows and our cat.

• Cameron Tucker : Why is she so obsessed with princesses?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Well... like we weren't at that age?

• Stefan : Oh, my God! John-John, is that you? You look amazing!

  John-John : Thanks! That's what happens when you lose a hundred pounds.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, come on. What a...

  John-John : Who wants to lift me?

  Steven : Me!

  John-John : Come on.

  Cameron Tucker : How could he have not called us?

  Steven : [Picks John-John up]  Oh, my God, he's as light as a feather!

  Cameron Tucker : You know what? I'm gonna go lift him, and shake him 'til his staples pop.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Holds him back]  Cam, stop!

• Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Do you know other princesses?

  Sam : Trust me. I know lots.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, bedtime.

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, no, it's not that late.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Do you know my mom? She's a princess.

  Mitchell Pritchett : She's exhausted. She's not making sense. She's so tired.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Daddy, you told me!

  Cameron Tucker : What-what is she talking about, Mitchell?

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : My real mom. She is, right?

  Cameron Tucker : Okay, I think we need to have a little talk.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Uh-oh.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's getting?

  Cameron Tucker : Nice try.

  [to Sam] 

  Cameron Tucker : I will be back for that answer.

• Cameron Tucker : Um... well, do you remember how we used to tell you there was a heaven for all the flowers that die?

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Out of the side of his mouth]  What do you mean 'used to'?

  Cameron Tucker : [Out of the side of his mouth]  Sorry, I let it slip. We'll deal with it later.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Still out of the side of his mouth]  How much are you not telling me?

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : [Copying them]  Why are you talking like this?

  Cameron Tucker : [Normally]  Daddies took a little side trip. Sorry, sweetie.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Um, so sometimes, uh, we tell you things like that to make you feel better.

  Cameron Tucker : Mm-hmm.

  Mitchell Pritchett : And I might have done the same thing when I told you that your mom is a princess.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : So... she's not?

  Cameron Tucker : Well, you know what? She might be.

  Mitchell Pritchett : She might be.

  Cameron Tucker : But we can't know for sure, honey, because... well, we don't know where she is or... what she's doing.

  Mitchell Pritchett : B-But what-what we do know is that she loved you very, very much...

  Cameron Tucker : Mm-hmm.

  Mitchell Pritchett : ... and she knew that she couldn't take care of you, so she made sure that you went with the most loving family she could find.

  Cameron Tucker : And that's how the three of us became a family. Does that make sense, sweetie?

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Mm-hmm.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Do you have any questions for us?

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Why did you say a fib and kill a bird?

• Jay Pritchett : I've been meaning to ask you, have you lost some weight? 'Cause you look good.

  Cameron Tucker : Wow, you have no idea what that means to hear from you, Jay.

  [Tries to hug Jay] 

  Jay Pritchett : Uh, turn it that way.

  Mitchell Pritchett : I thought this might cheer you up.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : [Dressed as Tattoo]  Da plane! Da plane!

  Jay Pritchett : [laughs]  Baby girl.

  Cameron Tucker : Ohhh! Look at you. You even taught her the catchphrase.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah.

  Cameron Tucker : Hey, Jay, have you seen my new Tattoo?

• Mitchell Pritchett : [Sees Cam has changed his costume]  Well, someone decided to take a trip to Fantasy Island after all.

  Cameron Tucker : Well, I'm tired of people not noticing my new physique. If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out the diaper and top hat and going as Baby New Year.

• Cameron Tucker : We agreed to tell Lily about her mother together, wearing calming earth tones, and we agreed to tell her the truth!

  Mitchell Pritchett : I know, but haven't you ever said something dumb to Lily that you wish we would just forget?

  Cameron Tucker : This isn't about me. Let's just fix this.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, great. Although... the way you agreed so quickly makes me wonder what sort of things you've told her.

  Cameron Tucker : I may have told her her fibs kill birds.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Wow. We're coming back to that one.

• Mitchell Pritchett : Cam and I have always known that someday, we were gonna have to have the big talk with Lily about who her mom was. We-we were gonna pick the right time and do it together, carefully following an agreed-upon script. Then I got tired.

  [Flashback to reading Lily a bedtime story] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : 'And she was the most beautiful princess in all the land. The end.' Again.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Why is Tyler's mommy so fat?

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Chuckles]  Oh, that's because she has-she has a baby in her belly. Okay? Goodnight.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Was I in my mom's belly?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Lily, no more questions, all right? Just-just go to sleep.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Where's my mom now?

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Glances at the princess book]  Um, she's... in a faraway land.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Why?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Because she's a princess. And she's...

  [Yawns] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : ... very, very busy.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Okay.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Present]  I thought that she'd forget about it by the next morning. I mean, I did! Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious. But I was hoping he'd see the bigger issue - you know, I was *really* tired.

• Mitchell Pritchett : Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing about Lily wanting to be a princess again? Well, I-I think it might be because I let her believe her mother was...

  Cameron Tucker : This is a nightmare.

  Mitchell Pritchett : It was just a mistake.

  Cameron Tucker : More like a disaster. They sent the matador costume in your size and the bull costume in mine.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Oh. I didn't notice. Um...

  Cameron Tucker : Now no one's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume.

  Mitchell Pritchett : It was-it was honestly a mistake. L-Listen, um, you-you could do that other thing that you thought of. You could put on that gorgeous white suit that fits you so well now, and you could be Mr. Roarke, and Lily could be your Tattoo.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : No! I have to be a princess!

  Cameron Tucker : Oh, but Lily, you were a princess last year.

  Lily Tucker-Pritchett : No, you promised! I'm being a princess!

• Mitchell Pritchett : Cam has lost a lot of weight.

  Cameron Tucker : [Feigns a gasp of modesty]  Oh.

  Mitchell Pritchett : No. So we're throwing a Halloween party to debut the new him.

  Cameron Tucker : I'll be dressed as a matador.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Wh-What is it now, 30?

  Mitchell Pritchett : 32.4.

  Cameron Tucker : Ah.

  Mitchell Pritchett : So I've lost Lily.

  Mitchell Pritchett : [Sharing a small laugh]  Where is Lily?

  Cameron Tucker : Hmm?

  Mitchell Pritchett : Do you - you don't have her?

  Cameron Tucker : No. Why would I have her? I don't have her in my pocket.