- Cameron Tucker: So now let's form an orchestra made up of my favorite instruments: your beautiful bodies.
- Luke Dunphy: [Lowered sing-songy voice] Getting creepy...
- Jay Pritchett: [about Gloria's snoring] How do I bring it up?
- Claire Dunphy: Well, for starters, you don't. You suck it up! Dad, your hot wife, who was learning to walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant with the baby you conceived doing something most men would kill to do!
- Jay Pritchett: I'm exhausted. And I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're huge and you're loud. It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh.
- Phil Dunphy: The minute I stopped caring what other people thought and started doing what I wanted to do, is the minute I finally felt... free!
- Mitchell Pritchett: [as Claire tries to sneak behind Cam] So, tell me more about the kids.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, it was as I predicted, you know. They just needed somebody to come in there and bring music back to life. And, you know, that person was...
- [Voice starts breaking]
- Cameron Tucker: That person was...
- [Starts sobbing]
- Cameron Tucker: It's not me!
- Mitchell Pritchett: What's happening?
- Cameron Tucker: It was a disaster, Mitchell! They hated me! Not just the kids, the teachers. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch; I had to sit alone.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, honey.
- [Gestures at Claire to leave before Cam sees her]
- Cameron Tucker: And my sweater - the shop teacher spilled juice on it. He said it was an accident, but it wasn't an accident.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's okay.
- Cameron Tucker: It was a disaster, Mitchell. It's not okay! I failed miserably. And look at you - you did everything so perfectly.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, yes.
- [Sees Claire giving him a look]
- Mitchell Pritchett: And-and-and no. Look, look, I... I gotta tell ya, uh, I've just been watching how you've done things all these years, and I just perfected it.
- Claire Dunphy: [Slams the door] Oh, please, Mitchell!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Claire...
- Claire Dunphy: Cam, he was every bit the failure you were. He was late picking up Lily - she was in with the custodians. The only thing he had less to do with than dinner was the dimmer. And her hair was in braids because there was gum in it! And -
- [Cam grabs Mitchell in a hug]
- Claire Dunphy: Why are we hugging?
- Cameron Tucker: Because I know if he called you for help and heard as many insults as I know he had to hear, then he had a worse day than me.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Voice breaks] She was horrible, Cam.
- Cameron Tucker: [Hugs Mitchell again] Oh! You know what? It's gonna get better.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, I know. We just need some time to settle into these new roles.
- Cameron Tucker: You were right to lower my expectations.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I just wish I had lowered mine.
- Claire Dunphy: [Clanging pot lid and drill] This gonna work it's way around to a 'Thank You', ladies?
- Mitchell Pritchett: So, how was it? How was the big debut? Was it a comfortable ride around the schoolyard on the shoulders of the children?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I stood and delivered. Thank you for sarcastically asking. Yeah. Okay, did you call the electrician about the dimmer?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on the other line with him right now.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, well, I should probably let you go. Keep your eye on Lily. She has a tendency to wander off.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Seeing Lily is gone] Cam... uh, wh-wh... I'm... I'm totally capable of...
- Cameron Tucker: You lost her, didn't you?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Scrambling through the store as they talk] No. No, no, no, no. No, she is right next to me. Hi, honey.
- Cameron Tucker: I can hear it in your voice. Look in the dairy case.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Finding Lily in the dairy case] Cam, do you honestly think that I would lose...
- Cameron Tucker: The doors don't pull. They slide.
- [Mitchell shamefully slides the door open]
- Alex Dunphy: You're kidding, right? You cannot really be enjoying that stupid show.
- Claire Dunphy: I was changing channels. God. Why are you so mean lately? Is something going on with you?
- Alex Dunphy: Is it that obvious?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, my gosh. Come on. You can talk to me.
- Alex Dunphy: Well...
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm?
- Alex Dunphy: There's this girl at school, and...
- Claire Dunphy: Mm-hmm.
- Alex Dunphy: She got pregnant.
- Claire Dunphy: [Gasps] No.
- Alex Dunphy: I know. I've been trying to help her, but with all the pills she's taking, she kinda lashes out.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, this is too much for you to take on alone. Where are the parents?
- Alex Dunphy: They're no help. Dad's all consumed with his plastic surgery business, and her mom's an ex-model who's trying to launch a music career.
- Claire Dunphy: You're describing the show I was just watching, right?
- Alex Dunphy: I'm just saying, mix in a book every now and then.
- Claire Dunphy: [Throws popcorn at her as she leaves] Mean! Mean!
- Claire Dunphy: Hey, Dad. How's 'Frisco?
- Jay Pritchett: My meetings ended early. I didn't even have to spend the night. And don't say "'Frisco". They hate it when you call it "'Frisco".
- Claire Dunphy: How do you know what they hate? You've been there two times in your life.
- Jay Pritchett: Anyway, I haven't slept in a week. Gloria's snoring like a water buffalo.
- Claire Dunphy: Aw. Well, she's pregnant. It's uncomfortable. What she put on? 15? 20? 25? 30?
- Jay Pritchett: We're not doing this again.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm just so tired.
- Claire Dunphy: It's a small sacrifice compared to what she's going through. Poor thing, what with the extra... 30? 35? 40? 45?
- Jay Pritchett: We're done.
- [Hangs up]
- Alex Dunphy: [Watching Claire do a crossword puzzle] Wrong.
- Claire Dunphy: I am thinking.
- Alex Dunphy: If you were thinking, you wouldn't have Seattle as the capital of Washington.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh. Yeah. It's Spokane.
- Alex Dunphy: Sure, which makes the 11th President of the United States 'James K. Pslk.'
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, Alex, stop. I'm trying to figure this out.
- Alex Dunphy: [Waits one second] Buzz! Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia.
- [to Luke, who's looking at the back of a cereal box]
- Alex Dunphy: Make sure you sound out the big, scary words.
- [Smacks his head into the box and walks away laughing]
- Luke Dunphy: Mom, something's on my mind, and it's really bothering me.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah, it's really bothering me, too, but I think it's gonna be rich, so we better be nice to it.
- Phil Dunphy: It goes without saying that The Butler's Escape is one of the most challenging feats of escapology an illusionist can perform. It's- it's based, of course, on the well-known story of the Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy, who was imprisoned in the Tower of London, and as we all know, refused to take off his uniform when he was shackled. Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert slept, Percy freed himself and leapt over the sleeping guard, giving rise to the popular expression...
- [Cues Claire, who obviously doesn't know the rest]
- Phil Dunphy: ... 'Percy jumped the Gert'.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am not mad at you because you told me that I snore. I am mad at you because you *didn't* say anything.
- Jay Pritchett: 'Cause I didn't wanna get yelled at.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Well, too bad. When you're married to me, you're going to get yelled at *many* times. And you're tough enough to take it. That's what I love about our marriage. We can say whatever we want, but the next day, we're still there.
- Jay Pritchett: That's what I like about it, too.
- [Hugs Gloria]
- Jay Pritchett: Ah. What am I gonna say you couldn't forgive me?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: There are things, Jay.
- Jay Pritchett: You ready to go?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I was thinking, it's such a shame that this hotel room is going to go to waste.
- Jay Pritchett: I like where this is headed.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Taking his hotel room key] Make Manny some pasta. I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?
- Phil Dunphy: Buddy... you're gonna make your own choices, and whatever you decide, I'll always support you.
- Luke Dunphy: You're not just saying all this 'cause you're stuck, right?
- Phil Dunphy: Nothing you decide will ever disappoint me.
- Claire Dunphy: Luke wants to quit magic.
- Phil Dunphy: [Without missing a beat] That's not happening. Well, see you guys at dinner.
- Claire Dunphy: Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk about this?
- Phil Dunphy: What's to talk about? The kid's a natural. He has everything - the hands, the patter, the outfits.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, let's play this out. Even if he is one in a million, what's our best case scenario here? He becomes, what...
- Claire Dunphy, Phil Dunphy: [Simultaneously, Phil excited and Claire neutral] A professional magician?
- Phil Dunphy: Honey, the boy has a gift! You wanna just throw that away?
- Claire Dunphy: I don't think it's about throwing it away I think it's about you pushing him...
- Luke Dunphy: Don't I get a say in any of this? I'm sorry I don't like magic as much as you, but I don't.
- Phil Dunphy: This isn't about magic.
- Luke Dunphy: No, it's about *my* life and *you* controlling it.
- Phil Dunphy: Luke, you made a commitment. You will honor that commitment!
- Luke Dunphy: Ugh! I hate it here!
- [Throws a smoke pellet and disappears like a magician]
- Phil Dunphy: [Whispers] Luke?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Daddy always parks in the back of the school.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I know, sweetie, but, uh, those spots were all taken.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Because we're late?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, we're, like, a minute late, and that's 'cause of traffic.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: And because I tipped over. You didn't snap my car seat right.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, well, it certainly didn't hurt your memory any. All right, here's your lunch.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [Takes the open bag and it spills] You spilled it!
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Putting everything back in] Oh! Why is the top open?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Daddy always zips it for me.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Quietly] Maybe you should zip it.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: I heard that.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You told me that you were in 'Frisco, and you were here in a hotel?
- Jay Pritchett: Let me just say one thing. Don't say 'Frisco. They hate that. And how the hell did you find me?
- Phil Dunphy: [about Luke quitting magic] It's just hard, you know? It's the first time he hasn't shared one of my interests. It's scary to think that this is the start of us growing apart.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase. Alex is going through something right now. I wish I could figure that out.
- Phil Dunphy: I can't breathe.
- Claire Dunphy: Anxiety.
- Phil Dunphy: No, no, I'm-I'm fighting the jacket. The key to this escape is balance. The whole thing is based on the idea of opposing forces holding each other in check.
- Claire Dunphy: That actually makes some sense.
- Phil Dunphy: Some sense? There are two things I know with dead certainty: how to shoulder roll out of a human pyramid, and the black arts of the Butler's Escape.
- Claire Dunphy: No, honey, our house is out of balance because Alex is missing her opposing force. Mm? Yeah.
- [Kisses Phil and leaves]
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, y-you're missing out. Some people describe this escape as visual poetry.
- [Falls face-down on the bed and can't roll over]
- Phil Dunphy: Honey?
- [Stuck on his stomach]
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, no.
- Delroy: When's Mr. Namagachi coming back?
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, Mr. Namagachi isn't coming back, but there *is* somebody that I'd like to introduce you to. Don't know that you properly met. She's a good friend of mine, and she goes by the name of 'Music'. And sometimes my friend music can be shy.
- [Plays the opening chords of 'Fur Elise']
- Cameron Tucker: Sometimes she can be *angry*!
- [Plays the opening chords of Beethoven's 'Symphony No. 5']
- Cameron Tucker: Huh? Sometimes she can be playful.
- [Plays the opening of Scott Joplin's 'The Entertainer']
- Cameron Tucker: And sometimes she can be downright a-funky!
- [Plays electronic funk beat and starts dancing]
- Luke Dunphy: [sing-songy through clenched teeth] Train wreck.
- Manny Delgado: There's no way he ran this past Mitchell.
- Claire Dunphy: Alex, come say hi to your sister! I love you so much.
- Alex Dunphy: What's up, lady?
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my god. You did not just say 'What's up, lady?'. What's wrong with you?
- Alex Dunphy: I was just saying hello ...
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, it's like the lamest thing you've ever said. And what is that shirt? What are you, a flapper?
- Alex Dunphy: I just bought it at that store that you ...
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, where? Forever 1921? And what is going on with your hair?
- Alex Dunphy: What's wrong with my hair?
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, you should just dip yourself in boy repellent.
- Alex Dunphy: Shut up! Mom!
- Claire Dunphy: [Straightening a picture in the hall] And balance... is restored.
- Phil Dunphy: Hey. Look, um, I thought about it, and if you really want to, you can quit magic. You just have to do one thing first -
- [Shows Luke the chained butler suit]
- Phil Dunphy: - execute The Butler's Escape.
- Luke Dunphy: Why are you making me do this stupid trick?
- Phil Dunphy: I think you're quitting because magic's getting hard. And that's not a good reason for quitting anything. But... if you can do this, then I'll know that you genuinely don't like it, and you'll have my blessing to pursue other interests. No strings attached.
- [Puts a metal ring around Luke and, while removing it, accidentally bumps him on the head]
- Luke Dunphy: Sorry, Buddy.
- Luke Dunphy: Ow!
- Phil Dunphy: I'm so sorry.
- Luke Dunphy: I know we bought a lot of magic stuff, but we can return some of it - Merlin's hat, the gloves, most of the capes.
- Phil Dunphy: What about Houdini's wands?
- Luke Dunphy: Uh... they kinda got broken.
- Phil Dunphy: All three? What happened? I got you carbon fiber.
- Luke Dunphy: Some kids were messing around with them at school.
- Phil Dunphy: What do you mean? What-what were they doing?
- Luke Dunphy: I don't really wanna talk about it.
- Phil Dunphy: Try to see this from my perspective.
- Luke Dunphy: I can't.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm not raising a quitter. Trust me. I know what's best for you. And watch your time. In the stage version, the rope's on fire and you're suspended over a bed of nails.
- Luke Dunphy: I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
- Phil Dunphy: Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key that opens the vault of fear... that holds the chalice of hope that contains the elixir of success. In a few short minutes...
- [the rope goes slack; he turns to see Luke is free]
- Phil Dunphy: Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
- Luke Dunphy: [Throws the jacket to the floor] I quit.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you.
- Jay Pritchett: It's one night.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, I don't want to be without you, not even one night in my whole life. What can I make you?
- Jay Pritchett: [Cut to interview] How about a little room on my side of the bed? I mean, I shouldn't complain. My wife's a knockout. But... she's at that place in her pregnancy where she's, you know... ample. And the snoring. I swear, in the last ultrasound, the baby was like this.
- [Holds his hands over his ears]
- Manny Delgado: Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes your body is going through, and that nasal stuffiness is very common during pregnancy, but we got a crisis in this house. You've been snoring. But I got you these nasal strips. In the commercial, the old man's angry red sound waves turn a gentle blue.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: So I'm like an old man?
- Manny Delgado: No!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Like a dog, then? A pig? What is it, Manny? I'm an old man, a dog, or a pig?
- Manny Delgado: Jay, help me out here. You've heard it.
- Jay Pritchett: I don't know what the boy's talking about. If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny, I don't love it. Have a little respect for your beautiful mother.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [loudly blowing her nose] Thank you, Jay.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, Lily's drop-off time is between 8:45 and 8:50, so you should be fine to get to work by 9:00. Here is her checklist for her backpack.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Seeing Cam's sweater] Uh, wow.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, I have this whole thing planned. Okay, I'm gonna walk in, take off my jacket, and say 'here comes treble.'
- Mitchell Pritchett: Big swing on the first day.
- Cameron Tucker: Please don't tamp down my enthusiasm. Okay, what else? Oh, the dimmer came in for the switch, so I want you to call the electrician, but not Brad. Remember? We had a problem with him last time about the billing.
- Mitchell Pritchett: He wanted his name above the title?
- Cameron Tucker: Yes, you've done that joke before. So cute. So funny. What else? Oh! Lily needs to get a present for Gio's birthday party. And don't be thrown by the invitation. It is a pirates party, not a pilates party. Now, sit. I wanna talk juice boxes.
- Phil Dunphy: [Woken in the middle of the night by an explosion] Is everybody okay?
- Claire Dunphy: I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.
- Alex Dunphy: What was that?
- Phil Dunphy: Water heater, gas line - the training's the same, people. Just stay low and move out!
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, Luke's gone.
- Phil Dunphy: Claire, spontaneous human combustion is very rare.
- Claire Dunphy: I don't think he exploded, Phil.
- Luke Dunphy: [Coming in from outside] The rope ladder works. At least *someone* followed protocol.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam took a job teaching music at the local middle school. Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.
- Cameron Tucker: I'm excited for me, but I'm probably more excited for the students because a great teacher is a gift.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hasn't started yet.
- Cameron Tucker: I have to tip my hat to my high school music teacher, a real force of nature who was also the defensive coordinator for the football team and supervised calf birthing for the Animal Husbandry Club. Doris Olson. Great lady.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [taken aback a bit] Lady.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, I know what's happening here. You're feeling very anxious about your first day at work, and you're focusing that anxiety on my day with Lily.
- Cameron Tucker: Really? Are you sure I'm not completely confident about my first day because it's gonna be a home run, and I am worried about you because you're taking on a little bit more of the Lily load? Don't be scared, sweetie.
- [Kisses the top of Lily's head]
- Cameron Tucker: Mwah!
- Mitchell Pritchett: She's not scared! Wh-wh-what are you doing?
- Cameron Tucker: Just call me if you need me.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I won't!
- Cameron Tucker: And thank you for managing my expectations today. Not necessary.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I saw you practicing a bow last night.
- Cameron Tucker: That was just in fun. You know, I highly doubt some teenagers are gonna throw rose petals at my feet.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah.
- Cameron Tucker: But I wouldn't be surprised if I got slow-clapped out of my first class.