Modern Family (TV Series)
When a Tree Falls (2012)
Julie Bowen: Claire Dunphy
Photos
Quotes
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Claire Dunphy : You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah. You make it out of a rusty spoon, or a shard of glass.
Claire Dunphy : Or a human femur.
Phil Dunphy : Exactly. Be creative.
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Claire Dunphy : What hospital are we going to?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : No! No hospital!
Claire Dunphy : No hospital. Wow. Oh, you're one of those, huh? Okay, please don't have it in the pool, though. 'Cause we swim in there.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I'm not having the baby, Claire. I was just faking it.
Claire Dunphy : What?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [holding up a bottle of water] Not bad for someone with pregnancy brain, huh?
Claire Dunphy : Okay, that's good. That was very good. Good thinking, Gloria.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit there and watch you suffer just because you had turned your brain off.
Claire Dunphy : Okay, I deserve that.
[hearing a police siren behind them]
Claire Dunphy : Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. I just blew through a red light. Damn. You think you can keep the pregnancy thing up for a little while longer?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [moaning in pain] Ahh! Ay! I feel the head!
Claire Dunphy : Could we just...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Feel it! Feel it!
Claire Dunphy : Save it! Save it for the cop! Save it.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Where did you go?
Claire Dunphy : To get a sweatshirt. We've been standing in the frozen food aisle for half an hour.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I didn't really call you, did I?
Claire Dunphy : No, my dad did. But I thought you knew.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ugh. I want to be so mad at him, but he's right. I have two brains in my body, but I've never been so dumb.
Claire Dunphy : It happens. I get it. You have another human being inside of you, competing for resources. Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, I could barely remember my name.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Same with Haley and Luke?
Claire Dunphy : Mm, not so much. They kinda just hung out in there, let me do my thing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Thank you for understanding. I am glad that you came. It will help me not to forget stuff.
Claire Dunphy : [stopping her as Gloria tries to get out of the still-moving car] I'm glad I can help out. I... whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Why didn't you stop first?
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Claire Dunphy : Why would I buy hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise and then steal a $20 sweatshirt?
Store Manager : I don't know. Maybe you do it for the thrill. I know your type. You're a bored housewife, drives a minivan, husband spends a little too much time online. Got a couple of kids, a college degree you don't use.
Claire Dunphy : You could not be more wrong.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Yes. She has three kids.
Claire Dunphy : Okay. No, no, no. No, no. No, that's not helping. Look, as I said before, it was an accident.
Store Manager : Heard it a thousand times. Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students, they all say the same thing: "it was an accident. I don't know how that clock radio got in my pants."
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Oh, for god's sake! I don't feel well. Let us go.
Store Manager : Yeah, right. Is that even a baby? 'Cause from here, it looks like a turkey. I need you to sign this, admitting your guilt and promising you'll never return to this store.
Claire Dunphy : I'm not signing that.
Store Manager : Okay, great. Then I'm gonna call the police and I'll be forced to...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ahh!
Store Manager : [hearing liquid splatter on the floor] What was that?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : My water broke! I'm having the baby!
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Claire Dunphy : Hey, Gloria. So, ready to go?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Where?
Claire Dunphy : Thought we were doing a Costco run.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [staring daggers at Jay] Oh, I see what this is. You called Claire to babysit the stupid pregnant lady!
Jay Pritchett : You're the one who called her.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I did?
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Claire Dunphy : Haley! Hurry up! You're gonna be late. Alex, what are you doing?
Alex Dunphy : I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang.
Phil Dunphy : It's not a chain gang. It's community service. And leave her alone. She feels bad enough as it is.
Haley Dunphy : [entering] Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, "Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." And on the other hand, I'm like, "Look at me in orange."
[Alex takes a picture]
Haley Dunphy : Aw, that's cute. Send that to me.
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Luke Dunphy : [Luke improvised a shiv for her] It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers who were stupid enough to get caught.
Alex Dunphy : Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers".
[blank stares]
Alex Dunphy : It's "vandals".
Claire Dunphy : Oh.
Phil Dunphy : Oh.
Alex Dunphy : I'm so alone.
Luke Dunphy : [roaring to scare Haley, she, Claire, and Alex jump] They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia.
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Claire Dunphy : Haley had a little run-in with the law in college.
Phil Dunphy : She was arrested for assaulting a police officer.
Haley Dunphy : Accidentally. I fell on him.
Phil Dunphy : While evading arrest for underage drinking.
Haley Dunphy : That was on purpose.
Claire Dunphy : They were very lenient with her. She only has to do community service.
Haley Dunphy : Because I do not have any priors.
Phil Dunphy : Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart.