Modern Family (TV Series)
Yard Sale (2012)
Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett
Photos
Quotes
-
Jay Pritchett : The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
-
Manny Delgado : Jay, should I get rid of this?
Jay Pritchett : The hat, the jacket, or the cane? Actually, yes. Just yes.
-
Jay Pritchett : [walking into the kitchen] Hey, can I help you?
Michael : Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm gay?
Jay Pritchett : God, I hate yard sales!
-
Phil Dunphy : I've had bigger hogs than this between my legs.
[Drives off]
Jay Pritchett : He really oughta run things through in his head first.
-
Ashtray Guy : How much for the ashtray?
Jay Pritchett : I don't know. What's the tag say?
Ashtray Guy : 50 cents. But there's a chip in it.
Jay Pritchett : Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket on my lawn next to some old corn on the cob handles.
Ashtray Guy : I'll give you 35.
Jay Pritchett : You're wearing a $10,000 watch. You're haggling over 15 cents?
Ashtray Guy : You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay Pritchett : Fine, 35.
Ashtray Guy : Can you break a 50?
Jay Pritchett : Get out.
-
Phil Dunphy : No way! You're selling the Harley?
Jay Pritchett : No, I'm just trying to move it out of the way. Some asshat offered me a hundred bucks for it. But with the baby coming, I guess I am gonna sell it.
Phil Dunphy : Well, she's a beaut.
Jay Pritchett : What, you wouldn't be interested in it, would you?
Phil Dunphy : Why wouldn't I be?
Jay Pritchett : Well, I just never thought of you as a motorcycle kind of guy.
Phil Dunphy : Well, I would be if Claire would ever let me have one.
Claire Dunphy : You can have a motorcycle if you want.
Phil Dunphy : Ha ha ha! Can I also have an affair with my super hot receptionist?
Claire Dunphy : What super hot receptionist?
Phil Dunphy : Don't change the subject! Now, what would everybody like for lunch?
Claire Dunphy : You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you don't want one. But don't blame it on me. I'm fine with it.
Phil Dunphy : Seriously?
Claire Dunphy : Yeah. Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing in the world. But it *is* sexy.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Yes. A lot more sexy than that crazy machine you rode up on.
Claire Dunphy : Mm.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Is that something that your doctor make you use?
Jay Pritchett : All right, I'm gonna take this around back, unless you'd like to go for a test-drive.
Phil Dunphy : Sure. Let's go. Not too fast. Precious cargo.
Jay Pritchett : I'm not taking you, sweetheart.
Phil Dunphy : I'm driving?
-
Mitchell Pritchett : [about Cam] Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight, he gets rid of his big pants. And then when he puts the weight back on, he has to buy them all new again. It-it's a nightmare.
Jay Pritchett : Just put the jeans in the car while he's in the house.
Mitchell Pritchett : No, dad! That's incredibly dis- I'm gonna do that. Yeah.
Luke Dunphy : Whoa! Where do you think you're going with those?
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, these aren't for sale.
Luke Dunphy : Hey, this is for charity. You know you're taking those jeans out of the hands of some needy, giant children.
Mitchell Pritchett : You know they're not getting the actual jeans, right, Luke?
Luke Dunphy : Oh. Right. Well, then how about a donation?
Mitchell Pritchett : $20 bucks?
Luke Dunphy : $100.
Mitchell Pritchett : ... $20?
Luke Dunphy : Sure, what's it to you if some kid gets sick bathing in Poo River, Africa?
Mitchell Pritchett : [Gives him the money] Ew.
-
Toaster Guy : Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
Jay Pritchett : Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Toaster Guy : Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Jay Pritchett : Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
Toaster Guy : I don't know. What's your return policy?
Jay Pritchett : You return, I call the police.
[Looks closer at the toaster]
Jay Pritchett : Where'd you get that?
Toaster Guy : From the kitchen.
Jay Pritchett : Give me that!
Toaster Guy : [Passes the toaster and points at Stella] You selling the pot-belled pig?
Jay Pritchett : Get out of my driveway.
[to Stella]
Jay Pritchett : You're not a pig. You're Daddy's little girl.
-
Jay Pritchett : Ugh, I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I just write a check?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of people in the driveway.
Jay Pritchett : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Then it's 'It's just a local call', 'Can I use your bathroom?', 'My mother needs to lie down.' No, it just stinks.
Manny Delgado : He did write a check.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Shh! The less he knows, the better.