Suicide for Beginners (2022)
Wil Daniels: Garrett
Photos
Quotes
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[first lines]
Garrett : Suicide is precarious. There are a lot of different schools of thought on killing yourself... beyond just pro or con, I mean. And believe me, there is a totally pro-suicide contingent out there. They just aren't as vocal as the other guys because, well, for the most part they're dead..
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[Garrett has a noose wrapped around his throat]
Mia : What's with the neckwear there, buddy?
Garrett : Oh this. Well, I guess you decided to hang yourself in the end out of guilt. It's a classic.
Mia : I don't think I did decide to do that. I think I'd remember that.
Garrett : Vegetables do weird things to people's brains. You should stop eating them.
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Garrett : I hate people. Especially other people.
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[Mia refuses to call her landlord to tell him not to come and check on her]
Garrett : Don't you see how this works? If he comes over here, I have to kill him! Have you seen this chick? Or how 'bout this guy? This is the pizza guy! The pizza guy comes over, I have to kill him. He brings his girlfriend, I have to kill her. A bell rings, I kill someone.
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Garrett : You want this Barry guy dead? Fine. Just let him come over. Anyone else you want dead? Just give 'em a ring. Give 'em a ring and have 'em come on down to Garrett's death emporium. We're having a half-off sale today. Everyone must go.
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Barry : What are you doing to them?
Garrett : Whatever I ike.
Barry : Oh-ho. Barry will kill you from the throat and then I will brunch on you and your testicles with mint jelly.
Garrett : What does that even mean?
Barry : I will tear your tendons from their parts.
Garrett : Just shut up. I could shoot you right now.
Barry : Oh, if you shoot me, then the neighbors will call the police and then the police will come and make much holes in your body.
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Garrett : [to Abigail] Stop crying. How have you not died of dehydration at this point?
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[Rick tries to devise a plan for Garrett to escape without needing to kill his hostages]
Rick : How about you hook us each up with a gallon or two of water and maybe some straws and then hop on a plane and bomb away to a non-extradition country. Then when you land, you can call the cops and tell them where we are. Seems pretty solid, brother.
Garrett : Name for me please some non-extradition countires.
Rick : I'm not sure, but I feel pretty good about Venezuela or Vancouver, definitely a V country. Maybe the Vatican?
Garrett : How is it that you don't know Vancouver is not a country?
Rick : They didn't actually teach geography at my school and I'm a little sensitive about it, to be honest.
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[to Abigail who is hiding in the attic]
Garrett : You know, you kinda have to appreciate the irony in all this. You came here to make sure I didn't die and here I am making sure that you do.
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Garrett : You know, it's just you and me and death makes three.
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Garrett : Hey kids, let's play a little game of duck, duck, murder!
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Garrett : I don't trust rabbits.