The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Parking Spot Escalation (2012)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sheldon Cooper : I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

• Sheldon Cooper : You know what they say: Revenge is a dish best served nude.

• Howard Wolowitz : Hi, Sheldon.

  Sheldon Cooper : [seeing Howard naked on the couch]  AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Howard, what are you doing?

  Howard Wolowitz : He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.

  Sheldon Cooper : Get off there.

  Howard Wolowitz : Give me back my Iron Man helmet.

  Sheldon Cooper : Give me back my parking space.

  Howard Wolowitz : You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.

  Howard Wolowitz : Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.

  Raj Koothrappali : [to Leonard]  I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.

• Sheldon Cooper : Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.

  Howard Wolowitz : Thank you.

  Sheldon Cooper : Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

  Howard Wolowitz : Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.

  Sheldon Cooper : There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.

  Raj Koothrappali : Just say it.

  Howard Wolowitz : You're the bigger man, Sheldon.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

• Howard Wolowitz : [arguing with Sheldon]  Are you even listening to yourself?

  Sheldon Cooper : Of course I listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.

• Sheldon Cooper : A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?

  Dry Cleaner : Lipid what?

  Sheldon Cooper : Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

• Sheldon Cooper : [phone talk]  President Seibert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don't use the parking spot. That's not the point. I...

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, I'm aware you told me not to call you at home. But you didn't answer the door. And I know you were there because I saw you through the mail slot.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yeah, well, that's some salty language.May I remind you, you're the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club.

  Sheldon Cooper : There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, I'm sorry for your loss. Good night, sir.

  Sheldon Cooper : [to Leonard]  Unbelievable! He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he's a high-profile asset to the university.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Well, he's not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.

  Sheldon Cooper : That was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, let it go. It's not a big deal.

  Sheldon Cooper : No. No, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. See, it starts with a parking space. Where does it end? It's like my dad always said, "First they say you can't drink and drive. Next you can't let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat."

• Sheldon Cooper : Looks like that laptop's seen better days. If you're interested, I'm selling this. It's only 2 years old, there's 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's penis.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.

  Raj Koothrappali : No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.

  Raj Koothrappali : That's called a fashion choice.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Alright, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.

  Sheldon Cooper : If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, You, sir, have no leg to stand on.

• Sheldon Cooper : [to Howard]  Payback! It certainly *is* the B word!

• Sheldon Cooper : That's my parking spot.

  Raj Koothrappali : Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have a car. You don't drive.

  Sheldon Cooper : It doesn't matter. That's my spot.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm not using my nipples either. Maybe they should reassign those.

  Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I'm sure they'll give you another parking space.

  Sheldon Cooper : I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. Well, it's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days, and is also home to a delightful squirrel which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

  Howard Wolowitz : Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don't have a car.

  Sheldon Cooper : Don't try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.

  Howard Wolowitz : Are you listening to yourself?

  Sheldon Cooper : I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life. Now get your car out of my spot.