Modern Family (TV Series)
Diamond in the Rough (2012)
Ty Burrell: Phil Dunphy
Photos
Quotes
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Phil Dunphy : You want to play chicken? Chicken's my middle name.
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Claire Dunphy : Haley, hurry up! You don't have much time, and I made chocolate chip pancakes.
Haley Dunphy : Mom, I'm not 12.
Phil Dunphy : Dibs on hers.
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Claire Dunphy : It's such a shame, because I know we would do a great job on that house.
Phil Dunphy : Totally.
Claire Dunphy : If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right?
Phil Dunphy : Please!
[cut to testimonial interviews]
Phil Dunphy : *Please*. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd sell a lot of houses.
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Phil Dunphy : Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the following carefully-worded text: "U suck."
Mitchell Pritchett : I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna cheerlead your way out this one, Buffy?"
Phil Dunphy : [texting back and forth] We both know this house thing is a disaster.
Mitchell Pritchett : Then say something, or I will. I don't care if you tell Cam...
Cameron Tucker : "I threw out that hideous sweater"? I spent months knitting that "hideous" sweater.
Claire Dunphy : Yeah.
Cameron Tucker : W... how are we seeing this?
Claire Dunphy : They're using the group text from yesterday. They have no idea these are even coming to me.
Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Claire Dunphy : [getting an alert] Oh. Here's another one. "We need to shut this house thing down without them knowing it's us"? Oh! Well...
[texting]
Claire Dunphy : "2 late."
Phil Dunphy : Uh-oh.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh! No, that... that's bad.
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Cameron Tucker : Phil, you think it's a good idea, right?
Phil Dunphy : Totally.
Claire Dunphy : Yes. And you know we can handle it, right?
Phil Dunphy : I think you guys can handle anything.
Cameron Tucker : Aw.
Claire Dunphy : Yeah. And you go talk to him. You're a professional. He respects you.
Phil Dunphy : Okay. Give us some space. I'll go talk him into it.
Claire Dunphy : All right.
Phil Dunphy : All right?
Claire Dunphy , Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Phil Dunphy : [approaching Mitchell] Listen... there's no way we're letting them do this.
Mitchell Pritchett : I know, right?
Phil Dunphy : They are not equipped to take this on. We might as well flush our savings down my boring old toilet.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, you are really bitter about that.
Phil Dunphy : [gesturing to make it look like he's pleading] It's the one thing I asked for. Don't sit on your sunglasses.
[quietly to Cam and Claire]
Phil Dunphy : Sorry guys.
["dropping" his keys and getting on his knees]
Phil Dunphy : Whoops. Just to be clear, though. Under no circumstances are we letting them do this?
Mitchell Pritchett : I am totally with you.
Phil Dunphy : Okay, you stay here. I'll go break the bad news.
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Cameron Tucker : If the four of us go in on this together, we can minimize the risk.
Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell Pritchett : Or if none of us do it, we can eliminate the risk altogether, because none of you know anything about flipping houses.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, well, we already have it figured out. I'm gonna be the designer, because I know about colors and shapes.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, so does Lily.
Claire Dunphy : I'm gonna be the contractor.
Mitchell Pritchett : And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, this is fun. Phil, you go.
Claire Dunphy : Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Phil?
Phil Dunphy : Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't go for the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise...
Claire Dunphy : You can wash your own butt for free.
Phil Dunphy : Well, that's not the same, is it?
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Phil Dunphy : Honey, you excited about your first day?
Haley Dunphy : You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you feel you're... I don't know, worth something. No offense, mom.
Phil Dunphy : Listen, I wanna give you some advice.
Claire Dunphy : Do it fast. She's gonna be late.
Phil Dunphy : Work hard.
Haley Dunphy : Uh-huh.
Phil Dunphy : Keep your eye on the ball. Stay focused.
[picking up his phone as it chirps]
Phil Dunphy : Never... check it out! Cam in overalls!
Claire Dunphy : Ohh! Mitchell sent me the same text.
Phil Dunphy : Why "look what you've done"?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, because Cam is helping me out with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it when he gets all farmed up. His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo, and worst of all, Farmbo.
Haley Dunphy : Well, I gotta go. Don't wanna be late for my first...
[checking her phone and running out]
Haley Dunphy : Oh, my god! Why didn't you guys tell me the time?
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Claire Dunphy : What do you think, Phil?
Phil Dunphy : Well, I have to admit, it's a steal.
Claire Dunphy : Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" and walks around making this dolphin sound. Like...
[trying to imitate a dolphin's call]
Phil Dunphy : How does he do it? I hate him so much.
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Phil Dunphy : Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen.
Cameron Tucker : Yeah, well, maybe if...
Phil Dunphy : I would drop it. It is not worth the fight. Come on, Claire.
[ushering her into the car]
Phil Dunphy : The faster we leave, the less it's gonna hurt. Hop in. Yep.
Claire Dunphy : Why does it have to be like this?
Phil Dunphy : I don't know. He's your brother. Buckled up? Good.
Mitchell Pritchett : [chasing after them as they drive away] Oh, no, no, no! No, no, I see what you're doing! He doesn't want this, either!
Phil Dunphy : Little radio?
Claire Dunphy : Sure.
Mitchell Pritchett : Phil! Claire!
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Mitchell Pritchett : Claire, Phil doesn't want the house, either, all right? He's letting me take the fall. He's a liar.
Phil Dunphy : And a clever one.
Mitchell Pritchett : [groaning in frustration] Argh! How long do you think you can keep this from her? All right? I'm gonna talk to her eventually.
Phil Dunphy : Well, as long as we're swapping stories, maybe I'll tell Cam what happened to the sweater he knit for you.
Mitchell Pritchett : [flashback to six months earlier; while riding in the car with Phil, an itchy sweater is bothering him] I can't. I can't! I can't! I can't do it! I can't take this stupid thing anymore!
[taking it off and throwing it out the window]
Mitchell Pritchett : It was stolen out of the car. Do you understand me?
Phil Dunphy : Got it.
Mitchell Pritchett : [back in the present] That is low.
Phil Dunphy : I know. Don't be mad at me. That said, I suggest you lose this number.
[cut to testimonial interviews]
Phil Dunphy : I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, Claire!"
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Claire Dunphy : Wow. This... this is incredible. You literally saw a diamond in the rough.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, but I take on a lot of projects no one else is willing to.
Phil Dunphy : I deserve that.
Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.
Phil Dunphy : I was an idiot for doubting you. Please, honey, forgive me.
Claire Dunphy : How could I not, when you give me this bouquet of crumpled flowers?
Phil Dunphy : Mitchell did that!
Claire Dunphy : Mitchell again?
Phil Dunphy : Ask Lily!
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Claire Dunphy : I want us to get that house. I do. But I don't want us to fight.
Cameron Tucker : We're not gonna fight.
Phil Dunphy : Of course not. Probably. I don't know. Will we?
Claire Dunphy : Maybe we just take a beat and think about t.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah. I-I guess that couldn't hurt.
Claire Dunphy , Cameron Tucker : Yeah.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah. You guys mean the world to us. I don't want to jeopardize that over a house.
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Phil Dunphy : I think we should go for it. I think we should go for the house.
Cameron Tucker : Really?
Claire Dunphy : Okay, but careful, honey. Don't say something if you don't mean it.
Phil Dunphy : No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, I do, too. I'm on board.
Jay Pritchett : On board for what?
Cameron Tucker : Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it.
Jay Pritchett : That's the worst idea I ever heard.
Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Jay Pritchett : You guys know nothing about construction. You'll make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother?
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Phil Dunphy : Even if one of those boys had hit five home runs, the biggest star on that field was Claire. That's the funny thing about marriage. You fall in love with this... extraordinary person, and over time, they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.
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Phil Dunphy : Oh, hello, Mitch.
Mitchell Pritchett : Uh, you got Claire flowers?
Phil Dunphy : Yes. I had a little bit of a rough night.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, you and me both.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett : Daddy slept in my room last night.
Mitchell Pritchett : Here, give me some of those.
Phil Dunphy : What? No.
Mitchell Pritchett : [fighting over the bouquet] You got me into this.
Phil Dunphy : Hey, stop! You're breaking them!
Mitchell Pritchett : I need.. I'm not going to Cam empty-handed!
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Phil Dunphy : It's Mrs. Brooks, the lady with the house. Actually, it's good that you called. What?
Claire Dunphy : What happened?
Phil Dunphy : Gil Thorpe just made her an offer.
[cut to testimonial interviews]
Phil Dunphy : We did it!
Claire Dunphy : We bought a house.
Cameron Tucker : It's gonna be great!
Mitchell Pritchett : What could go wrong? Nothing.
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Phil Dunphy : Two outs, bottom of the sixth. Tied at 4. This is it, folks. The whole game comes down to this. Manny Delgado, 0 for 3 on the day. Gloria, your thoughts?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I think he's going to hit the home run.
Jay Pritchett : Please, God, give me one.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny, stand up straight!
Jay Pritchett : But bend your knees.
Claire Dunphy : Widen your stance!
Manny Delgado : Would you please let me just...
Phil Dunphy : [Manny is hit by the pitch] Ooh!
Umpire : Take your base!
Luke Dunphy : You did it!
Manny Delgado : I did it?
Luke Dunphy : Run, Manny!
Manny Delgado : [running towards third] Yeah!
Jay Pritchett : No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way! Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he wants.