The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Santa Simulation (2012)

Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Penny : [reading directions]  OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.

  Penny : You're so butch.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, I got a little paper cut.

  Penny : Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.

  Penny : Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.

  Penny : Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?

  Leonard Hofstadter : A little bit, yeah.

• Penny : See you, boys, we're going drinking.

  Raj Koothrappali : Wait, can I come with you? My character died.

  Bernadette Rostenkowski : Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : Maybe another time.

  [Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : [continuing the game]  Okay.

  Penny : [sticking her head back into the apartment]  Come on.

  Raj Koothrappali : [leaping off the couch]  Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!

  [the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj] 

  Stuart : How does he not hear that?

• Sheldon Cooper : Well sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key and I toss it into the chasm. And on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

  Leonard Hofstadter : Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

• Stuart : I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, uhl, yeah, I got 'em on Amazon.

  Stuart : Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?

  Leonard Hofstadter : I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.

  Stuart : Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.

• Sheldon Cooper : [reading instructions]  "Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres." That's a saucy twist! "That leader's name: Santa Claus." No, no, no!..

  Leonard Hofstadter : It's actually "ho, ho, ho", but you'll get the hang of it. Thought it'd be fun to make a holiday-themed quest.

  Sheldon Cooper : Mixing Dungeons & Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

• Sheldon Cooper : Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories and the carols, you've got an eggnog mustache going on there. Just admit it, you're getting a little yuletide spirit.

  Sheldon Cooper : Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry.

• Leonard Hofstadter : I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.

  Sheldon Cooper : No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.

  Leonard Hofstadter : It wasn't amazing. Got a C-minus four years in a row.

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.