The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Santa Simulation (2012)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Penny : Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.

  [Bernadette sashay's into the room] 

  Penny : Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.

  [Bernadette exits and Amy strides in] 

  Penny : And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.

  [Penny removes her coat] 

  Penny : And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.

  Sheldon Cooper : I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.

• Stuart : What's wrong with Christmas?

  Sheldon Cooper : [wearily]  Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas". And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

  Howard Wolowitz : Pirate with a peg leg?

  Sheldon Cooper : Actually, that helps. Thank you.

• Sheldon Cooper : Well sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key and I toss it into the chasm. And on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

  Leonard Hofstadter : Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

• Sheldon Cooper : Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslaus from the Christmas carol.

  Howard Wolowitz : Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.

• Sheldon Cooper : I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat, by making a gesture that says: "Get a load of this guy."

• Sheldon Cooper : [reading instructions]  "Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres." That's a saucy twist! "That leader's name: Santa Claus." No, no, no!..

  Leonard Hofstadter : It's actually "ho, ho, ho", but you'll get the hang of it. Thought it'd be fun to make a holiday-themed quest.

  Sheldon Cooper : Mixing Dungeons & Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

• Sheldon Cooper : Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories and the carols, you've got an eggnog mustache going on there. Just admit it, you're getting a little yuletide spirit.

  Sheldon Cooper : Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry.

• Leonard Hofstadter : I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.

  Sheldon Cooper : No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.

  Leonard Hofstadter : It wasn't amazing. Got a C-minus four years in a row.

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.