The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Santa Simulation (2012)

Kunal Nayyar: Raj Koothrappali

Photos 

Quotes 

• Raj Koothrappali : [playing Dungeons & Dragons]  Oh, man, the first monster I see, I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.

  Stuart : [embarrassed silence from the room]  Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

• Raj Koothrappali : [after his D&D character is killed]  Doesn't anyone have a Rod of Resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me!

  Stuart : [another embarrassed silence]  Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

• Penny : See you, boys, we're going drinking.

  Raj Koothrappali : Wait, can I come with you? My character died.

  Bernadette Rostenkowski : Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : Maybe another time.

  [Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : [continuing the game]  Okay.

  Penny : [sticking her head back into the apartment]  Come on.

  Raj Koothrappali : [leaping off the couch]  Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!

  [the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj] 

  Stuart : How does he not hear that?

• [the girls are proposing they find a girl for Raj] 

  Raj Koothrappali : A couple of things: Don't tell them I come from money; I want them to love me for me. They must be *insanely* hot, like nines or tens.

  Penny : Nines or tens?

  Raj Koothrappali : OK, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hottub.

  Bernadette Rostenkowski : Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?

  Raj Koothrappali : In a New Delhi minute.

• Raj Koothrappali : In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.

  Raj Koothrappali : Sometimes I get so lonely I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I'm holding hands with another person.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : I do that too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.

  Raj Koothrappali : It's kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone.

• Raj Koothrappali : I'm always attracted to women I can't have; I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : The two of them? I don't understand.

  Raj Koothrappali : Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me too because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me, but apparently I misread those signals.

  Amy Farrah Fowler : And you like Bernadette also?

  Raj Koothrappali : Uh, that was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way.

• Amy Farrah Fowler : So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.

  Raj Koothrappali : No, not really.

  Penny : Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?

  Raj Koothrappali : Not that I can think of.

  Bernadette Rostenkowski : Think harder.

  Raj Koothrappali : Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?