- Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
- Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I've had it. I am done. I can't, I can't live with him for one more minute.
- Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I was thinking here with you.
- Penny: [Looks shocked] Oh.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That a problem?
- Penny: No, not at all. No, it's, it's great. It's terrific. I, you know, I just can't help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how's he going to get by without you? Ernie.
- [first lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long; these are great. Just started number six.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one.
- [Leonard stares at him, dumbfounded]
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I know; I didn't see it coming either.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you say that?
- Sheldon Cooper: You brought up the subject; I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. 'Kay, your turn.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That was a huge spoiler.
- [throws the book aside]
- Sheldon Cooper: Good.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What is wrong with you? If I did that you'd bitch about it for weeks.
- Sheldon Cooper: Really, Leonard, are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hissy fit? *I* have hissy fits?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You are unbelievable! I don't know why I put up with you. You know, you're controlling, you're irritating...
- Sheldon Cooper: There you go again! Nag, nag, nag! You're only proving my point, little lady.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon! You are the most annoying person I ever met.
- Sheldon Cooper: Wha- I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. "Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast." "Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch." "Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts cause you think they're ugly." You're impossible.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's it. I don't. I don't have to put up with this.
- Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Aaaw, here's what I think of your roommate agreement!
- [he throws it in the waste-paper basket]
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon gasps] You pick that up right now.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: You- Roommate agreement, section twenty-seven, paragraph five: "The roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have to do anything you say because... I don't think I want to live here any more.
- Sheldon Cooper: Where are you going?
- Leonard Hofstadter: To live with Penny, and not you, you crazy bastard.
- Sheldon Cooper: You can't live here.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's not the message.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
- Sheldon Cooper: You did.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can't live here.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's Penny's fault.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, you're too late. And spoiler alert, I'm about to slam this door on your face.
- Leonard Hofstadter: He's got Amy now.
- Penny: Yeah, he does, but... it's not the same.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
- Penny: Um... well, um... all right, you... you remember in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" Ron didn't abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron's sister?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [exasperated by another spoiler] Harry and Ginny get together?
- Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert!
- Sheldon Cooper: [knock-knock-knock] Good buddy Leonard.
- [knock-knock-knock]
- Sheldon Cooper: Good buddy Leonard.
- [knock-knock-knock]
- Sheldon Cooper: Good buddy Leonard.
- Howard Wolowitz: Seriously, if you don't leave now you'll never get out.
- Raj Koothrappali: I can leave anytime I want to.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, yeah? Where are your clothes and shoes right now?
- Raj Koothrappali: They're in that chair right over...
- [looks at chair; the clothes are not there]
- Raj Koothrappali: Oy, vey!
- Mrs. Wolowitz: I ran you a bath!
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, my God! She's not going to bathe me, is she?
- Howard Wolowitz: Gee, I wish I could tell you no.
- Howard Wolowitz: Here's some more ice.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, thanks.
- Howard Wolowitz: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque du Soleil made it look so easy.
- Howard Wolowitz: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: If you could bend that far, you'd be doing us both a favor.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
- Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Bert and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about *words* and *numbers*.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: [Last lines]
- [Raj is trying to escape through a window in Mrs. Wolowitz's house, she grabs him and pulls him back before he can]
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Wait! Where are you going?
- Raj Koothrappali: Noooooooooo!
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello, homewrecker.
- Penny: What did I do?
- Sheldon Cooper: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy's out buying "his" and "hers" bath towels. Like I'd ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.
- Penny: As much as I want to live with you, I can't do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Please. The only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his... his stooge, his doormat.
- Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain't broke...
- Raj Koothrappali: You were right. I can't get out of here!
- Howard Wolowitz: You're still at my mother's?
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm trapped! My clothes have been in the laundry all day and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra because she jingles when she walks.
- Howard Wolowitz: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
- Raj Koothrappali: Dumped her? What did he use, a forklift?
- Raj Koothrappali: Has Bernadette found a cure for something?
- Howard Wolowitz: In a way. She was working on a dandruff shampoo that has the unfortunate side effect of horrible anal leakage.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's too bad. But then, is there any good anal leakage?
- Howard Wolowitz: On the upside, they decided to market it as a constipation remedy.
- Raj Koothrappali: Way to make lemonade. You know, around the corner where fudge is made.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: So, what's your plan moving forward?
- Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Like a dog boy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Exactly.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
- Sheldon Cooper: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Great! Here I am!
- Sheldon Cooper: Wait. Here who is where?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
- Sheldon Cooper: Um.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger. We're intellectually compatible. I'm willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rave inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
- Sheldon Cooper: Um.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
- Sheldon Cooper: Um.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: See, you can't. I'm going to see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.
- Sheldon Cooper: Um.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Are you ready for dessert?
- Raj Koothrappali: No thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I'm going to have to carry my stomach out of here like I'm a fireman rescuing an infant.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, please. You're a tall glass of brown water.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Since when don't you want to live with me?
- Penny: Oh, don't get all huffy. You're the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Let's talk about that.
- Howard Wolowitz: [On FaceTime] Hey. How'd it go last night with my mom?
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, I guess.
- Howard Wolowitz: What time did you leave?
- Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I'm still here.
- Howard Wolowitz: What? You spent the night?
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. After dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files and then she opened a bottle of cream sherry and the next thing I know she was tucking me into your bed.
- Howard Wolowitz: You wore my pajamas?
- Raj Koothrappali: Mm-hm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed like three times.