The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (2013)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, your food's getting cold.

  Sheldon Cooper : I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.

  Penny : Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.

• Sheldon Cooper : I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!

  [starts crying] 

  Amy Farrah Fowler : Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?

  Sheldon Cooper : What do we have to lose?

  [Amy hugs him tightly] 

  Amy Farrah Fowler : How's that?

  Sheldon Cooper : I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.

  [Amy lets go] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Why'd you stop?

  [Amy hugs him again] 

• Sheldon Cooper : [to Penny]  Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?

  Leonard Hofstadter : [raises hand]  Oh, teacher, me! Me!

• Penny : Sheldon, could I ask you a question?

  Sheldon Cooper : Of course.

  Leonard Hofstadter : You ever gonna sleep with Amy?

  Sheldon Cooper : That's awfully personal.

  Leonard Hofstadter : We don't ask Sheldon things like that.

  Penny : Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.

  Penny : All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

  Leonard Hofstadter : All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.

  Penny : So, what's the problem?

  Sheldon Cooper : Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

  Penny : Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?

  Sheldon Cooper : [a long pause]  It's a possibility.

  Penny : [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder]  Oh, my God!

  [Out loud] 

  Penny : Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.

  Sheldon Cooper : Hey.

  [Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement] 

• Barry Kripke : I have some bad news. You're working on a grant proposal for a new fusion weactor. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal for a new fusion weactor. The university is only awowed to submit one proposal.

  Sheldon Cooper : So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out; that's hard cheese, Barry. You were one of the good ones.

  Barry Kripke : No, they're making us work together.

  Sheldon Cooper : That's ridiculous! I have one of the great minds or our generation. I work on a level so rarefied you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense! Now go put your clothes on, get in the car and let's go to work!

  Sheldon Cooper : All right, geez! What a grouch.

  Leonard Hofstadter : How did I do that? I gotta remember how I did that.

• Sheldon Cooper : How do I know you're not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

  Barry Kripke : How do I know you're not going to do that with mine?

  Sheldon Cooper : Because I'm not interested in getting published in Mad Magazine.

• [last lines] 

  Barry Kripke : Yeah, yeah. Was she naked or was she wearing wangeway?

  Sheldon Cooper : I didn't notice.

  Barry Kripke : How could you not notice?

  Sheldon Cooper : I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.

  Barry Kripke : Ahh, you're killing me, Cooper!

  Sheldon Cooper : Can we get back to work?

  Barry Kripke : Sure, sure.

  [pause] 

  Barry Kripke : You guys ever use any toys?

  Sheldon Cooper : Toys? I live with a model rocket next to my bed.

  Barry Kripke : A wocket? You're a fweak! I wuv it.

• Penny : Want me to make you some tea?

  Sheldon Cooper : Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.

  Leonard Hofstadter : So, cocoa?

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, cocoa!

• Howard Wolowitz : What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?

  Sheldon Cooper : Would it come with kung-fu grip?

  Howard Wolowitz : No.

  Sheldon Cooper : Don't waste my time.

• Sheldon Cooper : If Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense, and whimsically inventive.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [to Penny]  Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

  Penny : That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I know you're joking, but I'd be okay with that.

• Sheldon Cooper : Don't look at my board!

  [Flips board over; the other side has a drawing of a train] 

  Barry Kripke : What's that?

  Sheldon Cooper : That's a drawing of a really cool train. You don't look at that either!

• Barry Kripke : Don't pway dumb with me. We both know what your probwem is

  Sheldon Cooper : We do?

  Barry Kripke : You have a girlfwiend.

  Sheldon Cooper : So?

  Barry Kripke : So my work would suffer too if I was getting waid all the time.