Atop the Fourth Wall (TV Series)

Youngblood #5/Star Wars 3-D #1 (2013)

Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara, Harvey Finevoice, Dr. Linksano, 90s Kid

Quotes 

• Linkara : I think by now, you should know how I feel about Youngblood. In case you don't, it sucks! You can yell until you're blue in the face about how the concept of a proactive superhero team that has merchandising and appears on talk shows and are celebrities and crap is such a wonderful idea, and it's just the execution that fails, but in the end, it doesn't change that Youngblood sucks! You can tell me about the runs from Alan Moore or the revived series from 2011, and that's great if they really are good, but it just keeps bringing me back to the question of why the hell anyone would want to do anything with this series when there is so much frigid' baggage with it! Look, my rant against the X-Men in my Next 15 Screw-Ups was half joking. I don't hate the X-Men and there are plenty of bad stories out there that have nothing to do with them, and there are great runs on the X-Men books. But Youngblood is a team that does not deserve all the hard work of creators! It's a bunch of unmemorable ripoff characters, growling and gritting teeth, and saying really stupid things, and squinting and doing exaggerated poses and all that crap! Let Youngblood die, already! Just let it die! Rob Liefeld does not deserve the amount of loyalty that he somehow has engendered! What's that? Rob Liefeld is really enthusiastic about the industry and is really an awesome guy if you know him in person, and loves comics and everything about the medium? Yeah, well, I'm really enthusiastic about the medium, but no one says that I should be drawing comic books! Rob Liefeld can't write! Rob Liefeld can't draw! Rob Liefeld can't create! And don't go telling me about how he created Deadpool and Cable! One-he didn't create Deadpool! He created some boring-ass mercenary who spoke in yellow-colored speech bubbles! Nobody would give a damn about him if not for the work of everybody else but him! And as for Cable, most of my knowledge of the character comes from the animated series, but even if Cable really is all that awesome and iconic a character, well, congratulations. You have found one, all of one character that Rob Liefeld created that's actually good, except a good creator is capable of making more than just one good character! Liefeld, on the other hand, settles on inventing 60,000 characters, and none of them are good! But to cite that Deadpool example again, is he really the one who created him if everything about the character that people like that was done by others? You show me a Rob Liefeld character that people like, and I'll show you the other creators who are responsible for you liking him. The point is, companies, stop giving him work! Consumers, stop buying things with his name on it! And my fans, stop telling me about movies that are supposedly being made with his characters! Ooh, a Godyssey movie! I'm sure I'll see that NEVER, because not a single movie that Rob Liefeld's characters have been developed for has actually ever been made! And don't bring up "Not Deadpool" in the Wolverine movie! I should not have to explain that again! Deadpool's not really his character, that wasn't really Deadpool, AND HE WASN'T THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE DAMN MOVIE!

  [after his screaming rant, Linkara pauses to catch his breath and calm down] 

  Linkara : I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you all, I really am not, and I'm sorry if I yelled at you, but it's just... I'm kind of having a bad day, and it's not helping that today, we're digging into "Youngblood #5".

• Linkara : At this point... well, what can I really say about Star Wars? It's Star Wars! Everyone under the sun has talked about it! We've seen people deconstruct the prequels and find everything that's wrong with them, we've lampooned and parodied the original trilogy, we've made the jokes, we've seen the Turkish and Brazilian Star Wars, so what am I bringing to the discussion? Well, how about being the guy that doesn't like Star Wars as much as others? Now, don't get me wrong: I don't hate Star Wars. I love the movies, and even if I think the prequels suck, I still got a lot of entertainment value out of RiffTrax making fun of them, or the Plinkett reviews heavily deconstructing them. But the thing is that in the classic battle between Star Trek and Star Wars, I'm firmly in the Star Trek camp. I think Star Trek overall is better written, more entertaining, and generally just better than it. I grew up playing Star Trek games, watching Star Trek on TV, wanting to be my own Starship captain. I can check that one off the list at least. Star Wars has great, enjoyable, quotable movies... that didn't have as much of an impact on me as Star Trek did. As such, I'm much more detached from the Star Wars franchise and why I'm able to say that, when you get right down to it, Star Wars is really kind of stupid: a bunch of religious zealots that use an invisible, magical energy field run around with laser swords, while little troll puppets dispense pearls of wisdom. Some asshole with a bucket on his head saunters up while obeying the commands of Evil Von Evilton, and a giant slug is somehow a gangster commanding lots of loyalty, despite the fact that he could easily be assassinated by just shooting him in his drooling face a few times from thirty feet away. Princesses engage in resistance movements to overthrow empires, robots that nobody can understand are brought along on dangerous missions on terrain that they're not designed for, and subsequently, inefficiently-designed gold robots somehow are main characters, even though they have no functions on missions. Single planets are also moons that have a full, single ecosystem encompassing the entire planet, yet retain a completely breathable atmosphere. And somehow, it's better to have a planet-destroying weapon, even though destroying entire planets is probably bad for morale and the economy. But then again, other people think differently and could just as well point out different things that Star Trek has about it that are stupid and absurd. It's the great thing about nerd culture, our ability to converse intelligently about the things we love. Plus, let's face it: superhero comics are kind of absurd, too, when you get right down to it, possessing just as much ludicrous, absurd and moronic elements to them, yet I absolutely love superheroes. The point is that, yeah, I like Star Wars fine. I just don't get as overly emotional about it as other people. I got more upset that the 2009 "Star Trek" movie had the Enterprise being built on the ground than I did about Han not shooting first. But I get it. I get the rage and I get the love. We're all geeks together, and we'll poke fun and nitpick to our hearts' content. I'm cautiously optimistic about the upcoming Disney trilogy. They seem to be making all the right choices, the first being don't let George Lucas write or direct. And even if they do screw it up, we'll just have new fodder for jokes.

• Linkara : Did you know that there were Star Wars comics? Oh, yeah, just like every popular franchise, Star Wars has multiple runs from multiple companies. Marvel had a rather bizarre run back around the time of "A New Hope"; Dark Horse has had critically-lauded - and critically-panned - series. Hell, for a while, I was considering having my first proper Star Wars comic review to be from Dark Horse's run that explains why Jedi aren't allowed to fall in love. Spoilers: the reason is really, really stupid. But then there's what we've got today: "Star Wars 3-D #1", coming at us from Blackthorne Publishing. You may remember Blackthorne as being responsible for another 3-D comic I've reviewed "The California Raisins 3-D". If you don't remember that review, go and watch it again. But it's important to note that the 3-D in that comic was utter balls. It didn't create any effect at all and was hard on the eyes, like most 3-D is anyway. The good news is that the 3-D in this comic is actually a lot better. It's still pretty shallow in most places and completely unnecessary for dialogue balloons, but it does actually work in most spots. There will be sequences where there are characters in the front, characters in the background, and the anaglyph 3-D actually does what it's supposed to do and separates them. However, since the panels are going to be moving around in this review anyway, I would suggest you not watch this one with 3-D glasses. Trust me, like "The Phantom Menace" in 3-D, it does not make things any better.

• Linkara : So, you might recall that at the end of the last "Youngblood", it solicited that the rest of the story would be featured in "Brigade #4". The letters column explained this in more detail, wherein I read the most confusing thing ever: that "Youngblood #1" to "4"... was a miniseries, and that the conclusion to the story would be ten pages long. The conclusion to a miniseries, which is supposed to be a self-contained story...? Well, anyway, the ten pages thing is actually a lie; it's fourteen pages. However, this is hardly a miniseries. Look, the Marvel Transformers comic was originally slated to be just a four-issue miniseries, but it was expanded to be an ongoing series because of popular demand. BUT IT WAS STILL ADVERTISED ON THE TOP AS A LIMITED SERIES! NOWHERE on the "Youngblood" comics are they advertised as a miniseries! In addition, the story isn't CONCLUDED in those four issues, as I'll talk about in a second. The letters column also said that a Youngblood ongoing series was coming, but if it was always the plan for this to be a miniseries, why bother to continue the numbering? It was already proven by this point that number-1 issues were selling better, so why not start fresh with a proper number one? But yeah, "Youngblood #5" is actually the flipbook of "Brigade #4". It's not the main feature, because the letters column in the book is "Brigade"'s. Even in Rob Liefeld's other books, "Youngblood" is a second-rate feature in-team.

• Linkara : [about "Youngblood #5"]  So what does the cover to Issue 5 do to entice the readers? It has Badrock's face proclaiming...

  Badrock : LET'S ROCK!

  Linkara : Charming. Hey! What if all my title cards just had my face shoved up against the camera? That would get people to watch my show, wouldn't it?

  [smiles sarcastically] 

• Linkara : [looking into "Star Wars 3-D #1"]  The cover's decent, if a bit crowded. The "Star Wars 3-D" logo is way too big and takes up a whole third of the thing. The middle has this scene full of aliens and Han Solo punching someone, Luke having his lightsaber out - though the health of the thing looks a bit larger than normal; maybe that's just me - and Chewbacca lifting this guy over his head. Chewbacca seems the worst rendered, since now he kind of looks like Bigfoot.

  [holds up fist] 

  Linkara : One day I'm gonna get that Wookie!

• Linkara : [about "Star Wars 3-D #1"]  The story, while being published in 1987, seems to be set shortly after the first movie and is also apparently a "10th anniversary series". Man, were they ahead of the curve! It took the 35th anniversary for the studios to release crappy 3-D Star Wars material and then cancel it.

• Linkara : We open where we left off last issue, with Badrock supposedly joining forces with the Darkseid ripoff, Darkthornn. Although, peeking ahead at the text boxes, apparently, even Rob realized how idiotic his name was with the double N, so he reduced it to a single N. Well, isn't that cute? He's learning. Or perhaps the letterer did. Or perhaps it doesn't matter, because this comic still blows.

  Darkthorn : Continued resistance is useless, mortals. I have claimed the mind of your comrade - and unless Prophet is surrendered to me, the rest of you shall share his fate!

  Linkara : [incredulously]  If you have demonstrable mind control abilities, why are you even bothering with the ultimatum? Just use them!

• Linkara : [starting to read "Star Wars 3-D #1"]  We open IN SPAAAAAACE!

  Narrator : A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

  Linkara : [as narrator]  In a sepia-toned galaxy...

  Narrator : The stars stretch, then scream...

  Linkara : [as narrator]  The stars were really not ready for their yoga session.

  Narrator : ...as the fugitive freighter Millennium Falcon makes the jump in from lightspeed, to find it has unwanted company!

  Linkara : [as narrator]  And they're too polite to ask them to leave.

  [normal] 

  Linkara : So, yeah, a bunch of TIE Fighters are attacking the Millennium Falcon.