- [the staff watches on of Simon's old commercials on You Tube]
- Lauren Slotsky: Wait, I'm confused. She's French, he's British, there's a windmill. What country is this?
- Simon Roberts: My dear, it was the '80s, we had not yet begun to ask those difficult questions. Plus when I wrote it, I'd just huffed half a can of the product.
- [Simon plays with his life-sized Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot]
- Simon Roberts: Lauren, can't this thing hit harder? Maybe you can set it to Ike Turner.
- Andrew Keanelly: No one remembers him for his songwriting skills.
- Simon Roberts: Gordon, what brings you out of the land of the anal to the dirty den of the creative?
- Gordon Lewis: Well, I'm very upset. And not just because my husband is on a juice cleanse, so now I have to be. Why can't Timothy get into barbecuing?
- Simon Roberts: You know what I like about you and Timothy? You've been married since before everyone was gay!
- Gordon Lewis: It's like when your favorite band gets popular but I'm sticking with it.
- Gordon Lewis: I have a mind like a steel trap, I remember everything.
- Simon Roberts: Except to clip those nostril hairs. It's like staring up at two tiny armpits.
- Zach Cropper: I used to love Mr. Finger. I dressed up as him for Halloween.
- Andrew Keanelly: Did you wear the glove year round? Did people mistake you for Michael Jackson? Did you know in your heart of hearts that you couldn't sleep at night unless you had inspected the school library for dust?
- Zach Cropper: No... You win?
- [Dusting spray spokesman Mr. Finger reenacts his old TV commercial]
- Andrew Keanelly: His finger just gave me chills.
- Zach Cropper: Do you ever listen to yourself?
- Sydney Roberts: Charming and handsome. How is it possible that you are single?
- Mr. Finger: My wife's dead!
- Gordon Lewis: What is this?
- Simon Roberts: That's a bill for the Stan Wood wallpaper account.
- Gordon Lewis: Yes, I know it's a bill. How come I've never heard of 'em?
- Simon Roberts: Cuz the air's thin up there, you miss a lot of stuff. I've always wondered, are you attracted to the tops of guys' heads? Does Timothy go up on you?
- Sydney Roberts: I had such a wonderful night! And the best part is it all took place in the afternoon.
- Mr. Finger: The irony is that in my sunset years, I have yet to see one.
- Zach Cropper: Simon, you know how I feel about ya. I'd carry your hair in a locket if necklaces weren't weird on guys.
- Simon Roberts: Son, we have to have some accounts where it's not just about the money. The Stan Woods let you sleep at night.
- Zach Cropper: I find an orgasm helps.
- Simon Roberts: I used to throw like a fistful of downers into a blender with cough syrup and warm milk. I called it Milk of Amnesia, but then sobriety ruined all that! Now I need nonsense like loyalty and ethics to get through the night.
- Sydney Roberts: It was like a lizard flicking its tongue in my mouth. Or it's tail - whatever is grosser!
- Lauren Slotsky: Huh. So you and Mr. Finger? Yeah, I can totally see that.
- Sydney Roberts: That's your takeaway from my story? An old man french kissed me!
- Mr. Finger: Nobody wants to jump on my brittle old bones.
- Sydney Roberts: That's not true. I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love to... *cautiously* jump your brittle bones.