- Mr. Rostenkowski: I don't know what's scarier: the bathroom clowns or the woman that put 'em there.
- Sheldon Cooper: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car.
- [Howard enters from the kitchen]
- Sheldon Cooper: And there's the clown that came out of her.
- [Howard turns right around and goes back in the kitchen]
- [first lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: The math is all there; it's not real
- Penny: Yes, it is!
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
- Raj Koothrappali: It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
- Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
- Penny: I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Were you drunk?
- Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I think you're the one who fell over.
- Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.
- Leonard Hofstadter: How am I the bad guy? She the one who married someone else. I'm the victim.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sounds like Zack's the victim. You're sleeping with his wife.
- Penny: Why are you making this such a big deal?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.
- Penny: How do I undo this?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.
- Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon laughs] Penny? Next.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
- Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
- Penny: You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
- Zack Johnson: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.
- Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You did?
- Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What? You went to a chapel?
- Penny: Yeah.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
- Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you know those are real, right?
- Penny: [laughing it off] No, they're not.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
- Penny: [Looking worried] No, they're not.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
- Sheldon Cooper: He's right.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: They're real.
- Penny: [quietly] But it didn't feel real.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why won't you sign it?
- Zack Johnson: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
- Penny: We don't have any kids!
- Zack Johnson: Are you sure? Cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why don't you go keep my dad company?
- Howard Wolowitz: He doesn't want me in there; I'm the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't be silly. He loves you.
- Howard Wolowitz: Does he?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: He, he cares about you a lot.
- Howard Wolowitz: Really?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there!
- Sheldon Cooper: I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse so, di, I'd love to go but unfortunately that sounds awful.
- Sheldon Cooper: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.
- Sheldon Cooper: She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
- Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay.
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry about it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ain't she great?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?
- [Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe Penny is married to Zach.
- Raj Koothrappali: Wonder what she saw in that guy?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know. He's sweet, he's tall, he's handsome...
- Amy Farrah Fowler: ...Broad shoulders, good hair...
- Raj Koothrappali: Huh. Wonder what she sees in Leonard?
- Mr. Rostenkowski: What's wrong with your mother?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, her gout's acting up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: How can one little toe hurt so bad?
- Howard Wolowitz: Maybe because that little piggy is being *crushed by the barn!*
- Mr. Rostenkowski: I've kept a marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: I'm trying to watch the game. Shut up.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: So is your dad still living in Texas?
- Sheldon Cooper: My father died when I was fourteen.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: I'm sorry to hear that.
- Sheldon Cooper: So was the guy who ran the liquor store. He cried and cried.
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Penny, regarding her initial belief that her wedding to Zach wasn't real] At some point while you were there was Las Vegas also on its side?
- [Then tilts his head]
- Sheldon Cooper: [belching] ... 2,3,8,4,6...
- [then quickly covers his mouth]
- Sheldon Cooper: That's as far as I can get without throwing up.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: [laughing] Well, that's not what was I was thinking when you told me you could burp *pie*.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Did somebody say pie?
- Sheldon Cooper: Do we really need to go to Mrs. Wolowitz's home for Thanksgiving dinner?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: We do, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.
- Sheldon Cooper: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to work under the yoke of the white man.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you honestly comparing going to Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house to one of the worst tragedies in human history?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about *my* cooking all day.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?
- Penny: Here.
- [gives Howard a bottle]
- Penny: Thank you for having us.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's with you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
- Howard Wolowitz: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's,
- [laughs]
- Howard Wolowitz: that's hysterical.
- Penny: [grabs bottle back] I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Thanks again for cooking.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, everything was delicious.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, I couldn't have done it without my two favorite girls...
- [Bernadette and Amy beam]
- Raj Koothrappali: Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, the medicine's not working!
- Howard Wolowitz: You just took it. At least let it reach your *first stomach*!
- Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna say not. But that's just based on me trying to turn my mother over when she snores.
- Howard Wolowitz: My mom went to Arizona. She rode one of those mules at the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. 'Cause she's fat.
- Raj Koothrappali: Where does your mom keep the Crisco?
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Maybe in a wad under her cheeks.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: Do you remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
- Sheldon Cooper: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.
- Sheldon Cooper: So was my dad. And then he did.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: So if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.
- Sheldon Cooper: No sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was eleven and my mom said no.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: I know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
- Howard Wolowitz: Mike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
- Mr. Rostenkowski: Well, I'm drunk.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it w he's not looking