- Sheldon Cooper: Can't sleep?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Would you like to talk about it?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny proposed, and I didn't say yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why not?
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's a good question.
- Sheldon Cooper: Does that mean the relationship is over?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why don't you ask her?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Because I'm afraid to know the answer.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well... I'm sorry.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's it? You're not going to make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?
- Sheldon Cooper: No. You're my friend and... I'm sorry.
- [last lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: Star Wars Audition, Take 1. Starring Howard Joel Wolowitz, real-life astronaut.
- [turns away from the camera, puts up his hood, then turns back in character]
- Howard Wolowitz: Vader is here. Now. On this moon. I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm in the middle of something!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: So am I!
- Stuart Bloom: How about those guys on that bench over there; they look pathetic. Bet we could talk to them.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's a mirror.
- [first lines]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's nice that we all get to eat together.
- [the guys mumble in agreement]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
- Sheldon Cooper: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
- Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?
- Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Congratulations.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's great. Guys!
- [Guys mumble acknowledgement]
- Howard Wolowitz: What's the show?
- Penny: Um, NCII or... you know, NCSTD. I don't know. It's... It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's amazing.
- Penny: Yeah!
- Howard Wolowitz: What's your part?
- Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
- Raj Koothrappali: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So it it's just flirting.
- Penny: Well, yeah, why?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
- Penny: Oh.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: He's wrong.
- Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] If you're really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
- [Leonard and Howard laugh]
- Sheldon Cooper: Why is that funny? That's just unhygienic.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's a joke.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climatic humorous twist.
- Penny: Are you kidding me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's wrong?
- Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
- Penny: No. There's supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it-it's... gone.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
- Penny: They must have cut it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Penny. I'm, I'm sorry.
- Howard Wolowitz: That stinks.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm sure you were great.
- Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I, I thought, I thought I did a really good job, and... Excuse me.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry.
- [Pats Leonard on the back]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Did you just put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back?
- Sheldon Cooper: [pause] No. That wouldn't be funny at all.
- [Rips a paper off Leonard's back]
- Raj Koothrappali: I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?
- Raj Koothrappali: I don't see why not.
- Howard Wolowitz: If you're really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
- Penny: You didn't get your part cut. And you didn't get your part cut. Yep a bunch of old guys rocking out in a band all with erectile dysfunction, you didn't get your part cut.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, can we talk?
- Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. How much for, uh, a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
- Penny: Hey.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'll call you back.
- Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
- Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. Just feel like everything is falling apart.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, come on; it's OK.
- Penny: No, it's not OK. Look at me. OK. I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and still doing it. I can't quit because guess what, I can't do anything else. And I finally get ybig break and it goes away. I'm such a mess.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not.
- Penny: Really? Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.
- Leonard Hofstadter: OK, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.
- Penny: No, it's not, OK. I've been out here for like ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You have me.
- Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mmm. Let's get married.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Penny: [She gets down on one knee] Wooh. Leonard Hofstadter... will you marry me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ummm.
- Penny: Did you seriously just say, "Ummm"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know I love you, but but you're, you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...
- Penny: OK, so... ugh... you don't want to marry me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: That is not what I said.
- Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer's off the table.
- Sheldon Cooper: Who's in the mood to laugh?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Really not a good time.
- Sheldon Cooper: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
- Penny: I'm gonna go.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, Penny don't.
- Penny: No, no. I just need to be alone.
- Leonard Hofstadter: The odds of *anyone* becoming a successful actor, like a million to one.
- Penny: Wow, thank you.
- [She exits]
- Leonard Hofstadter: [to himself] Should have let Sheldon come
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you scared me, that wasn't funny.
- Sheldon Cooper: Maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What you're trying to do is hard, but people do make it. And I really do believe that you could be one of 'em.
- Penny: Thank you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: And, to show you how much I believe in you, I kind of got you an audition
- Penny: Are you serious? For what?
- Leonard Hofstadter: The new Star Wars movie.
- Penny: What! How did you manage that?
- Leonard Hofstadter: There's a thing online. You put yourself on tape and just send it in. Anyone can do it.
- Penny: Come on, Leonard, this is just a PR stunt.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, uh, even if it is, you have a huge advantage because you're an actual actress; most of the people doing this are just weirdos and nerds. Wolowitz sent his in two days ago.
- Penny: I want you right now to give me your one hundred percent honest opinion. Do you think I have what it takes to really make it as an actress?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
- Penny: So you think I'll be on TV and in movies and win awards?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Honestly?
- Penny: Yes, honestly.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't.
- Penny: How could you say that!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't, no, I got all confused when you said honestly.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock-knock joke that starts with knock knock knock, Amy, knock knock knock, Amy, knock knock knock, Amy?
- Stuart Bloom: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
- Raj Koothrappali: Are possums cute?
- Stuart Bloom: Not at all.