- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Course you're not. People love trained monkeys.
- Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh my God. I'm jealous of Sheldon.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey guys, sorry I'm so late. Did you already have dinner?
- Howard Wolowitz: No, we were waiting for you.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that's so sweet.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?
- Raj Koothrappali: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work! Let me get you a glass of wine; I'll cook dinner.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, Raj, you're our guest.
- Raj Koothrappali: Don't be silly, sit. You look like you've had a long day.
- Howard Wolowitz: No, she always looks like that.
- [Bernadette gives him a dirty look]
- Howard Wolowitz: Because she married an idiot!
- [last lines]
- Penny: You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Little early for alcohol, isn't it?
- Sheldon Cooper: [On the radio] You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel.
- [Yodeling]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll get the vodka.
- Sheldon Cooper: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
- Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're brushing your teeth on the couch?
- Raj Koothrappali: No, I'm brushing Cinnamon's teeth.
- Howard Wolowitz: Why bother? She just spends half the day licking her own butt.
- Raj Koothrappali: And the other half licking my face, that's why I'm brushing her teeth
- Sheldon Cooper: What's that animal doing in our apartment?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Get over that. She's in her crate; she can't get out.
- Sheldon Cooper: I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I was only trying to make you happy.
- Sheldon Cooper: By taking away my crowning achievement? If you wanted me to be happy, you could have told me a joke, or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter being unlikely friends.
- Leonard Hofstadter: There is no pleasing you! And koalas and otters don't even live near each other!
- Sheldon Cooper: That's what makes their friendship so unlikely!
- Barry Kripke: Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.
- Barry Kripke: That's enough, Barry.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's all right, Leonard. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, "Bawwy"?
- Barry Kripke: Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That's pwetty hurtful. I... I can't contwol it.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're right. That was uncalled for. I take it back.
- Barry Kripke: Of course you do, because you're the Wetwactor!
- Sheldon Cooper: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. It stops at Fraudville. Wonder-Blunder-Burg. And Kansas City, because it's a hub.
- Sheldon Cooper: To really understand the story here, we have to start at the very beginning: a small town in East Texas, where a young genius name...
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon!
- Sheldon Cooper: That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you're here much longer, I'm going to have to buy bigger clothes.
- Raj Koothrappali: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You've been looking too skinny lately.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ah. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?
- Howard Wolowitz: What are you talking about? Remember last week when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren't? How's that different?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful like your friend Raj.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, really?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning and there was a note inside that said "Go get 'em."
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Like I don't do enough around here? Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note to telling you to "Go got 'em"? You're a grown man; you should know to "Go get 'em."
- Howard Wolowitz: I do know to "Go get'em", but sometimes it's nice to have emotional support when I'm going and getting them.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey. Hey. Do you hear yourselves? No more. Calm down and take a step back.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. I guess I was just feeling like I'm a lousy husband.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're not a lousy husband. You're a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you kidding? You're the best! I know what the problem is; it's him.
- Raj Koothrappali: Whoa. What did I do?
- Howard Wolowitz: You made us feel like we're not trying hard enough.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. We were totally fine half-assing our marriage 'til you showed up.
- Raj Koothrappali: Look, I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I just have to say it's nice to see the two of you on the same page.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I back you up all the time.
- Howard Wolowitz: That is- He's doing it again!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw, Raj did the dishes!
- Howard Wolowitz: How do you know I didn't do them?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.
- Ira Flatow: This could put you on the track to a Nobel Prize, and in chemistry, no less. Very unusual, seeing as you're a physicist.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's very unusual. Let's all laugh at the circus freak!
- Sheldon Cooper: President Siebert, I don't get why you're so upset. You're the one who forced me to go on the radio. I was expecting a scientific discussion, not an attack by some Morning Zoo shock jock. Well, if you wanted to raise money for the university, you should consider a swear jar. Wow, that's a dollar right there!