- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, and I shouldn't be so angry, but I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want.
- Claire Dunphy: Are you absolutely sure?
- Haley Dunphy: I'm going to tell you the truth and walk away. Deal?
- Claire Dunphy: Deal.
- Haley Dunphy: I'm 420 percent sure.
- [walks away]
- Phil Dunphy: My God, she's bad at math.
- Claire Dunphy: You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent! To figure out what's going on with your kid when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair! It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices. And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing it, tough! Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night!
- Cameron Tucker: I thought it was the wine.
- Phil Dunphy: Claire, you're a hard one to figure out. You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one.
- Phil Dunphy: I like technology as much as the next Wozniak, but you shouldn't spy on your son's phone.
- Haley Dunphy: Nor should you try to friend them with fake Facebook accounts, Margot LeCroix.
- Jay Pritchett: If Shorty calls, tell him I'm dead. It's a funny thing we do.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How is that funny?
- Jay Pritchett: Just don't answer the phone, okay?
- Luke Dunphy: I'm telling you, Zombie Parkour is a million dollar idea.
- Manny Delgado: They don't move very well. Vampires, maybe. Vam-Parkour. There's your title.
- Luke Dunphy: I just don't see it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You turn around for one minute, and they have a second family on the bad part of town.
- Jay Pritchett: You're the second family from the bad part of town.