- Sheldon Cooper: Why do people cry at weddings?
- Mary Cooper: They're practising for what's coming later.
- [first lines]
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard! Leonard!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: You realize you and I could become brothers?
- Leonard Hofstadter: We're not going to be brothers; we're not going to be step-brothers. Go to sleep.
- Sheldon Cooper: I hope you're right, 'cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother's wife is weird.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Go to sleep.
- Sheldon Cooper: OK.
- [pause]
- Sheldon Cooper: You think your father's doing unspeakable things to my mother?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?
- Penny Hofstadter: Your parents are old; anything unspeakable was finished by .9:30. Go to sleep.
- Sheldon Cooper: Very well.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [quietly to Penny] I'm sorry if this stuff is going to make the ceremony awkward.
- Penny Hofstadter: Ah, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was going to make everyone uncomfortable, but now this...
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey, if you want me to sleep, you're going to have to stop talking.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.
- Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
- Susan: Haven't you had enough?
- Wyatt: Penny drinks more'n I do.
- Penny Hofstadter: Well, I learned from the best.
- Wyatt: Aw.
- [last lines]
- Susan: Penny, I don't know what I was worried about; your friends are just lovely.
- Penny Hofstadter: Aw, thanks, mom.
- Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
- Penny Hofstadter: Is he? I never noticed.
- Wyatt: Reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.
- [they all laugh heartily]
- Randall: Cops! Cops! Be cool.
- Sheldon Cooper: So did you defile my mother or not?
- Mary Cooper: Sheldon! You're bein' rude!
- Dr. Alfred Hofstadter: If I may, I can assure you your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.
- Sheldon Cooper: Did that conversation include the phrase 'your genitals are a joy to behold'?
- Mary Cooper: That's enough!
- Dr. Alfred Hofstadter: Look, I promise you neither I nor anyone has ever said that;
- Leonard Hofstadter: You don't know his girlfriend very well.
- Sheldon Cooper: Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.
- Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone] What? Oh yes, he is from India... no, I don't know his immigration status
- [Raj freaks out]
- Howard Wolowitz: Relax, I'm still on hold.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I don't see why I have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, that's my mother you're talking about, however accurately.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You'll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
- Mary Cooper: Good.
- Sheldon Cooper: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
- Mary Cooper: Hey! I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes ma'am.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman. You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.
- Sheldon Cooper: And you need to drive the car and mind your business.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're not my mother.
- Mary Cooper: Don't you be disrespectful to her!
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes ma'am.