- Leonard Hofstadter: How do we catch it?
- Howard Wolowitz: What if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to it?
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's not a moth!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hm. Let's see. What do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature. Chaucer's her favorite. Her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Wow. You really do love her.
- Sheldon Cooper: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies.
- [Takes deep breath]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa, that's a lot of oxygen.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?
- Sheldon Cooper: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.
- Sheldon Cooper: My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You can't catch a pigeon with a Slim Jim and a garbage bag.
- [Pigeon dives in and takes the jerky off Leonard's hand]
- Raj Koothrappali: Should have put it in the bag, dude.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas: parlor games, goose, and figgy pudding...
- Sheldon Cooper: Yuck! English pudding! You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You're going.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why do you hate me?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't hate you, I love you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, you call it "love", but it has a lot of raisins in it.
- [Opening lines]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How are your parents doing, Raj?
- Raj Koothrappali: Not good. They hired attorneys to speak to each other.
- Sheldon Cooper: Speaking of attorneys, you know who I wouldn't hire to represent me in court? She-Hulk.
- Penny: You almost stayed in topic. Good for you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, She-Hulk is a lawyer?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. She works at a lawfirm in New York.
- Sheldon Cooper: And she's the only monster in the firm. Between you, me and the walls, I think she was an affirmative action hire.
- Santa: Let me see if I got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way of punishing your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
- Sheldon Cooper: Correct.
- Santa: Santa thinks dating you is punishment enough.
- Sheldon Cooper: There's an argument for that, but I want to make sure.
- Dr. V.M. Koothrappali: Relax. Easy for you to say. You're mother isn't cleaning out your bank account. 40 years, the woman never cleaned a thing,
- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you know what a disaster this is?
- Howard Wolowitz: You mean 'cause this room isn't supposed to have dust in it and we just let in a flying crap machine?
- Raj Koothrappali: [Howard is about to perform CPR on a bird] Don't blow too hard. If you pop him, I will vomit.