Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Goes to the Doctor! (2015)

Carol Kane: Lillian Kaushtupper

Quotes 

• Pat Battle : [presenting the news on WNBC-TV]  Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical "Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen," the show billed as "the most flying Spidermen ever assembled on one stage."

  Lillian Kaushtupper : [to Titus]  Change the channel. I can't get news from a woman.

  Pat Battle : This afternoon six cast members were critically injured at the hands of Spiderman's greatest foes: gravity and floors.

• [Titus wants to audition for a Broadway musical with a poor safety record] 

  Lillian Kaushtupper : I can't support this. I will not bury another beautiful black man. You know my dear husband, Roland, was killed in our very own apartment.

  Titus Andromedon : Yes, I've heard this story before.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : He got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and on his way back to bed, he was shot in the face.

  Titus Andromedon : By you, Lillian.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Well, it was dark out, and a black guy was trying to get in bed with me. It was the '70s! Point is, I will have nothing to do with this audition of yours.

  Titus Andromedon : Fine! I'll get Kimmy to help me - who needs you anyway? Can I borrow five dollars, a lint brush, a stick of gum, and your shoes?

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Yeah.

• [Having just gotten her "scream lines" removed, Kimmy is admiring her reflection in the mirror] 

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Oh, "Who's That Girl"?

  Kimmy Schmidt : What? I didn't do anything. Got some sun, but...

  Lillian Kaushtupper : I'm not talking to you, dear. I'm watching "Jeopardy!" The category is Worst Madonna Songs.

  TV Announcer : This 1987 one is terrible.

• Lillian Kaushtupper : "I'm so happy for you. I love you both so much, even though I don't always say it."

  Titus Andromedon : Thank you, Lillian.

  Kimmy Schmidt : We love you too.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Huh? No, no, no. "Wheel of Fortune."

  "Wheel of Fortune" Contestant : [on TV]  I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. "I'm so happy for you. I love both of you so much, even though I don't always pay it"?

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Oh my god, what a moron!