- Isabella: You want to know what I think? I think you're in a dungeon wondering if the woman that put you there loves you. And the real question is, why do you still love her? I mean, yes, she's beautiful, in a perfect-skin, perfect-body, perfect-hair kind of way, if you're into that sort of thing.
- Galavant: Mmm.
- Isabella: I know you, Galavant. I know your heart, and you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who will lift you up as a man. Someone who will fight with you, not against you. Maybe someone who's small and cute and... ethnically hard to pin down.
- Galavant: [hesitates] What you're saying is, you don't think she loves me?
- King Richard: You have always been my most loyal friend, Gareth. I know you're not a hugger, but if you were, I would wrap myself around you like a leather jacket made of love.
- Gareth: Xanax?
- Chef: So much Xanax.
- Galavant: We were gonna live in a cottage by the sea. We were gonna make love, plant a garden, have children. I was gonna sing songs of your beauty.
- Madalena: Oh, Gal, that sounds awful. Look around! I live in a castle! And you know what I've learned about myself? I really like stuff. I mean, why would I give all this up to get fat and pregnant and grow my own food?
- Madalena: Dance with me! Can't you see how freakin' gorgeous we look? Can't you feel the frantic beat of our hearts as our various parts rub with such delicious friction?
- Isabella: Queen Madalena, you have the jewel and you have Galavant, you must release my parents.
- Madalena: Must I?
- Isabella: Yes, you have to.
- Madalena: Have I?
- Isabella: Yes.
- Madalena: Really?
- Isabella: Why are you just repeating everything I say as a question?
- Madalena: Am I just repeating everything you say as a question?
- Isabella: You don't hear it?
- [singing a Disney-like love song]
- Galavant: Love is... strange.
- Isabella: And sometimes kinda gross. It's embarrassingly gassy, and it leaves its dirty underwear in piles around the place. Love is rude, it has a sort of smell, and it thinks that you don't notice. And it blurts out things that make you want to smack its stupid face. And it's awkward and confusing, it annoys you half to death. Then it grins a dopey grin and you can't catch your breath.
- Galavant: Love is strange and sometimes sort of smug, and it's really, really bossy. And it messes with your head 'til you're a hopeless basket case.
- Isabella: And it's stubborn.
- Galavant: It's insulting.
- Isabella: It's obnoxious.
- Galavant: It's the worst.
- Galavant, Isabella: You keep pushing it away and you fall in head first. Love is strange!
- Isabella: And often pretty drunk
- Galavant: It looks different without makeup.
- Galavant, Isabella: And it's nothing like the fairytales you grow up dreaming of.
- Galavant: Love is weird.
- Isabella: Love is dumb.
- Galavant, Isabella: Love is strange, and that's what makes it love.
- Galavant: Madalena, I've got something to say and I've come a really, really long way to say it.
- [sappy music swells and she realizes he's about to burst into song]
- Madalena: Oh, no.
- Galavant: [singing] I want you, I need you, you cut me and I bleed you! You're like some kind of sonnet, all I want to do is read you. And I love you.
- Madalena: I know.
- Galavant: I mean I love you.
- Madalena: Yes, thanks.
- Galavant: I said I love you.
- Madalena: You did.
- Galavant: And now don't you wanna tell me something too?
- [the music switches to a tango]
- Madalena: I love you!... as much as someone like me can love anyone.
- Galavant: Huh?
- Madalena: I mean I love how we make people stare, we're quite the stunning pair.
- Galavant: In other words you love me?
- Madalena: As much as someone like me can love anyone.
- King Richard: Why do I continually allow people to treat me this way? Oh, come on. Forget I'm your king and talk to me like your friend.
- Gareth: All right. You keep acting like a prat, you need to be more of a geezer. You know, I've tried to tell you time and time again, but you don't turn your ear!
- King Richard: Oh, Gareth. I can't understand a word you say.
- Madalena: Gareth, cut her face and torture the rest.
- Gareth: Excuse me?
- Madalena: I said torture them. Is there a problem?
- Gareth: No, there's not a problem. I like torturing, I'm pretty good at it. I once kept a guy alive for a week and he was just a head and a finger. But that order came from the king, and I serve my king.
- Madalena: Your king is weak, Gareth, you know this. He cries like a baby and cares like a woman, makes decoupage footstools as a hobby.
- Young Kingsley: If I want something, I take it! And I don't want to be any king!
- Queen Elizabeth: Oh, but, Kingsley, it's your destiny! We literally named you Kingsley, God told us to. It's not like we were being trendy.
- Young Kingsley: My destiny lies beyond the castle walls, Mother. I'm going to conquer and kill and spread bastard children throughout the land like wildflower seeds! Somebody else can sit on their ass and rule.
- [singing a Beatles-like song]
- Xanax: Close your eyes, open your mind, your journey's about to begin. Relax your karma and try not to barf as the universe starts to spin. Hocus pocus, expialidocious, set your aura free. Petrificus totalus, drink deeply from the chalice. Tell us what you see.
- Isabella: The point is, Queen Madalena, you have the jewel and you have Galavant. You must release my parents!
- Madalena: Must I?
- Isabella: Yes. You have to!
- Madalena: Have I?
- Isabella: Yes...
- Madalena: Really?
- Isabella: Why are you just repeating everything I say as a question?
- Madalena: Am I just repeating everything you say as a question?
- Isabella: You don't hear it?
- Galavant: You're sort of doing it... a little bit...
- Gareth: I don't give a rat's ass about your orders. I might be a dog, but at least I'm a loyal one, love. Now, I serve the king, so I only follow his orders.
- King Richard: That is so nice to hear. You have always been my most loyal friend, Gareth. I know you're not a hugger, but if you were, I would wrap myself around you like a leather jacket made of love.
- King Richard: I know you're not a hugger. But if you were, I would wrap myself around you like a leather jacket made of love.
- Isabella: Well, how's that for timing? Our stars are finally aligning on the same day I'm going to die.