- Baxter 'Gerber' Bayley: [announcement on speaker] Inmate Jefferson, Tasha Jefferson, report to the warden's office. Inmate Tasha Jefferson to the warden's office. Who's Tasha Jefferson? Oh, Taystee! Taystee, go to the warden's office.
- Lorna Morello: We have a warden?
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: Your name is Tasha?
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: We are like whom the gods have condemned to push the boulder up the hill, only to watch it roll back down.
- Lorna Morello: Oh, right, right, right, right. And then he has to cut his arm off to get out from underneath it. What is that guy's name? Oh, James Franco.
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: Sisyphus.
- Lorna Morello: I did hear that rumor.
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: It is the most unfair thing that's ever happened in this prison.
- Brook Soso: What about when Carson went to SHU for sneezing too loud?
- Cindy Hayes: Or what's-her-face, the Puerto Rican girl with the gimpy eye, and when she got the wrong meds by accident in the med line, and went nutso, and gimped her other eye with a spork, and now she double gimp-eyed.
- Poussey Washington: Or how about when Pornstache used o make the meth heads blow him for drugs in the mop closet?
- Janae Watson: Or the time Chapman got furlough?
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: I retract, and redact. New statement. It's easily the top 138 most unfair things that has ever happened here.
- Sam Healy: You know, planting a flag on the Moon doesn't mean that you own it. You're Russian. I thought you'd appreciate that attitude.
- Galina 'Red' Reznikov: So, what are you going to do with that ear now that you've picked it?
- Judy King: Well, I guess that depends on what else I can find around here. I can do a Southern fried corn, a dilled corn shooter, Taiwanese style street corn.
- Galina 'Red' Reznikov: Listen to fancy pants.
- Judy King: I could shove it up your ass.
- Galina 'Red' Reznikov: I'm not so big on ass play.
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: And you swear this is legit? 'Cause I seen "Shawshank", and I don't want to go to seg because I did your taxes too good.
- Joe Caputo: Was it Linda?
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: Possibly.
- Joe Caputo: It wasn't Natalie, was it?
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: [clicks tongue] Linda sounds more right.
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: Damn. This place is like "Rehab Addict, Litchfield Edition." And with, like, real addicts.
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: Do you have a skeleton key made from real human bone that opens a door to a world of talking animals?