- Mr. Sugarman: You seem sadder than a little girl on Christmas morning.
- Jasper Dunlop: Wouldn't a little girl on Christmas morning be happy?
- Mr. Sugarman: Well... imagine she's weird and has no friends.
- Officer Becker: [recognizing Jasper] Wait a minute. I've seen this kid before.
- Officer Martin: Oh, yeah. Didn't he get arrested last year at Swellview Park?
- Officer Becker: Right - for using the ladies' bathroom. That's messed up, man.
- Jasper Dunlop: No, that was only 'cause my friend's little sister...
- Officer Martin: Hey, and didn't you also get arrested last Christmas, in City Hall, for wearin' more than one hat simultaneously?
- Jasper Dunlop: Well...
- Mr. Sugarman: [indicating the candy boot] And today he tried to steal this!
- Mitch Bilsky: That's right. He did.
- Jasper Dunlop: No, I-I-I-I didn't. I was just holding it.
- Officer Becker: Well, you know what they say.
- Officer Martin: He who holds it, stoleds it.
- Jasper Dunlop: Okay, somewbody get me a dictionary and show me the word "stoleds!"
- [Henry wears a wire]
- Ray Manchester: Just get as close to Mitch as you can and try to get him to admit that he's the one who stole the fried foot.
- Charlotte Page: [correcting] The candy boot.
- Ray Manchester: [witheringly] Oh, it matters.
- Charlotte Page: [finding a long, black, curved on the floor of Ray's van] Uh... what is this?
- Ray Manchester: Uh, that was either a banana or a dog dog.
- Charlotte Page: [flings it away] Ew!
- [girl screams]
- Oliver Pook: Gotcha!
- Tipper: There's-there's a dead bird in my locker.
- Oliver Pook: I know. Read the note on his leg.
- Ray Manchester: Test. Test one. Puh. Puh. Puh-tato pants. Pretty Polly wore purple potato pants to her Perim party in Pittsburgh. Henry, how's that sound?
- Ray Manchester: Painful. Please p'stop.
- Mitch Bilsky: He who holds it, stoleds it.
- [Ray pops some Captain Man bubble gum into his mouth]
- Charlotte Page: What're you gonna a do?
- Ray Manchester: What I shoulda done a long time ago.
- Charlotte Page: You mean clean this van?
- [Ray scowls at her]
- Charlotte Page: Ooo, somebody's got his "manties" in a bunch today.
- Ray Manchester: Uh, I don't wear "manties," thank you.
- Henry Hart: Ray...
- Ray Manchester: I wear boys underwear.
- Captain Man: [as Miss Shapen lies stricken on the floor] Uh... Kid, go handle that.
- Kid Danger: What? Wha...? I... I don't know how to handle a snakebite.
- Captain Man: Just go over there, put her elbow in your mouth and... suck out the poison.
- Mitch Bilsky: Uh, careful, Mr. Sugarman. This guy could be dangerous.
- Henry Hart: "Dangerous?" My favorite soup is broth.
- Mitch Bilsky: Well, good. Then in jail they can call you The Hot Broth Burglar.
- Ray Manchester: Why don't we just call Leonardo da Vinci and say "Uh, hey, Leon, could you build the Eiffel Tower again?"
- Captain Man: [upon entering Swellview Middle School] Bilsky! Admit that you framed Jasper Dunlap.
- Mitch Bilsky: Ah, you can't force me to...
- [Captain Man slams Mitch up against the school lockers]
- Captain Man: Admit it, so I don't have to punch you in the face and smash your groin!
- Mitch Bilsky: You wouldn't hurt a kid.
- Captain Man: Oh, please. You look at least twenty-six years old.
- Mitch Bilsky: Fair point.
- Captain Man: [fed up with Jasper's non-emergency emergency calls] Okay, for the next two months, I don't wanna hear about any more "crimes" from you. We clear?
- Jasper Dunlop: What if I see a burglary in progress?
- Captain Man: You shut up.
- Jasper Dunlop: What if I witness road rage?
- Captain Man: You shut up.
- Jasper Dunlop: What if I hear a ticking bomb?
- Captain Man: Just chill. Oh, and shut... up.