Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.37 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: before leaving this election behind, we must all thank Donald Trump for the one good thing he did. He exposed evangelicals, who are big Trump supporters, as the shameless hypocrites they've always been.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah. I don't know if you noticed, but Republicans didn't get to play the Jesus card this time around, because it's hard to bring up the Ten Commandments when your candidate spent his life breaking all of them.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Trump's commandments are like the regular commandments with "LOL" at the end.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Adultery?

  [pictures of Trump and his wives are shown] 

  Himself - Host : Check. Cursing?

  [footage of Trump at a rally saying "listen, you motherfuckers"] 

  Himself - Host : Check. Stealing?

  [a picture of Trump in front of a Trump University banner is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Check. Bearing false witness?

  [footage of Trump at the debate denying he made fun of a handicapped reporter] 

  Himself - Host : Check. False idols?

  [a picture of Vladimir Putin is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, yeah. He is the world's least godly man. Jesus saw the good in whores and lepers, but if he met Donald Trump, he'd go "Sorry, man. That's a pre-existing condition."

• Himself - Host : So, with four days left in this longest election ever, I'm gonna stop for a minute and appreciate this one silver lining: that for once, religion wasn't dragged into the debate. After so many elections where the candidates tried to out-Jesus each other, this one had no talk from either candidate about how they start their morning with scripture, the Republican wasn't reaching out to his "prayer warriors", the debate moderators weren't asking "How does faith inform your decisions?". And best of all, we were spared the sight of having to watch Hillary Clinton try and clap on the beat with a black church choir.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But I still think we are owed an explanation from the "values" voters as to how they could line up behind Trump, a man who loves to say "nobody loves the Bible more than I do", but when asked, couldn't name a single passage. Even Sarah Palin said "Oh, for fuck's sake, it's not a newspaper."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump tried to quote scripture once and called second Corinthians "Two Corinthians".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : As in "two Corinthians walk into a bar..."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He also once accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and tailor.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump has nothing in common with Jesus, who was from the Middle East; Trump wouldn't even let him in the country. Jesus healed the blind; Trump mocks the handicapped. Jesus turned the other cheek; Trump grabs her pussy. Jesus turned water into wine; Trump just whines. The Bible says "thou shalt not cover thy neighbor's wife"; Trump says "Fine. What about my daughter?"

  [groans from the audience] 

  Himself - Host : He did! He's the devil! What part of "Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name" don't you understand?

• Himself - Host : In the primaries, evangelicals had a whole bouquet of religious nuts to choose from. Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson. Ben Carson, who doesn't just walk with Jesus, they shower together.

  [an artistic rendering of Carson and a black Jesus is shown, to audience laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But they went for the foul-mouthed, thrice married pussy grabber. With one exception, and I never thought I would hear myself say this, but let's hear it for the Mormons.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : The Mormons, who bailed on Trump big league. White evangelicals go for Trump over Hillary 75-14, but only 19% of Utah Mormons have a favorable view of orange Hitler, because apparently the Mormons believe you shouldn't vote for a lying, infantile scumbag just 'cause he's on your team. And they're Mormons; they'll believe almost anything.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : They believe underwear has magic powers, and you get your own planet when you die, and Adam and Eve were born in Missouri, and Jesus hung with the Indians, who were Jewish. They let Donny Osmond claim he's a little bit rock and roll.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But ask one if Trump would make a good president, and they're like "Do I look like I was born yesterday?".