- Ella Lopez: Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?
- Chloe Decker: Just a slob, like one of us.
- Ella Lopez: Exactly. Or just a..
- Chloe Decker: A stranger on a bus.
- Lucifer Morningstar: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her.
- Chloe Decker: Great. Who is it?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Santa Claus.
- [Chloe sighs]
- Chloe Decker: For the last time, Maze, we're not having a threesome.
- Mazikeen: I'm OK to watch.
- [someone knocks at the door]
- Mazikeen: Showtime.
- [Maze opens the door. It's Amenadiel]
- Chloe Decker: Oh, an orgy? Definitely off the table.
- Dr. Liam Garrity: Legally, I can't let you look at Dale's medical file... But, um... What happens when I turn away is, um, out of my hands.
- Chloe Decker: Thank you.
- Dr. Liam Garrity: [Turns to his phone] Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince needs my help. Wow.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I'm trying to recreate their first date.
- Linda Martin: You're... What? Wait. You're trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What? It worked in the movie.
- God Johnson: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?
- Lucifer Morningstar: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Okay, you've all been chosen to help with a very special mission called "Operation: Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital".
- God Johnson: Mm, it's a little on the nose, son.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you've chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He's benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He's a dick.
- Charlotte: I guess humanity isn't entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple creme Brie.
- God Johnson: You hear about dancing?
- Charlotte: Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once.
- Linda Martin: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Waves hand] Oh, you'll probably be fine.
- Linda Martin: *Probably*?
- God Johnson: So this is your big plan for busting us out of here. Encouraging a man to steal underwear.
- God Johnson: [after waking up from his "God" persona] What this? What-What just happened?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What are you talking about? We just beat Santa.
- Mazikeen: You want to ride solo with Dr. McHotty. I can get behind that. Or on top, dealer's choice.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan.
- [the piece falls from the sword]
- Lucifer Morningstar: ... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing
- Amenadiel: [Annoyed] Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?
- Lucifer Morningstar: How does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name.
- Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You do?
- Amenadiel: The Internet! It's truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I love the mentally ill. I mean, who isn't amused by someone who thinks they're Elvis or Napoleon or Wesley Snipes?
- Chloe Decker: Who found the body?
- Dan Espinoza: God.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ah! See?
- Amenadiel: That's not the way Dad operates. If He has a problem, He sends an emissary, like me, or maybe a burning bush.
- Mazikeen: Guy sounds like he wants to bang.
- Chloe Decker: He's Lucifer's doctor, Maze.
- Mazikeen: So what? Doctors don't want to get laid?
- Chloe Decker: Does everything always have to be about sex with you?
- Mazikeen: Um. *Yeah*.
- Tourettes Todd: Pig farts! Crash and burn.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right.
- Chloe Decker: Please don't tell me you made reservations at somewhere fancy.
- Mazikeen: Opposite of fancy. It's here.
- Chloe Decker: *Here*. Why?
- Mazikeen: Well, duh, your bedroom's here. Where else are we gonna have sex?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What do you know about God Johnson?
- Pyro Pete: I like fire.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right, never mind.
- Normal Ned: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Perks up] Really?
- Normal Ned: ...He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh.
- Mazikeen: I've seen your mom dress sluttier than this.
- Chloe Decker: Okay, Maze, this is an interrogation disguised as a casual dinner. There's no need to get dolled up.