- [first lines]
- [Penny enters to find the apartment romantically decorated]
- Penny Hofstadter: What... what's all this?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day, so I wanted you to come home to something nice.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, that is so thoughtful.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, do you remember when we went wine-tasting in Santa Barbara, and you said that was the best rosé you'd ever had?
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeh, I-I remember us driving up there, going to the winery and... uh, that's it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: This wine is why.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh! Hey, what smells so good?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I made your favourite: pizza bagels,
- Penny Hofstadter: [she gasps] Pink wine and pizza bagels! It's like eighth grade all over again. I'm so lucky to have you!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Now be careful; these are hot. I- I could explain the thermodynamics of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust, but instead, I'm gonna keep it to myself.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh. You always know what not to say.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you; are you sure you should be going there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to wait two days for us to work this out.
- Sheldon Cooper: Very well. You got married spur of the moment; I don't see why your divorce should be any different.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I would pull this car over and kick you out, but... Penny dumps me you're all I got.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you; what size shoe do you wear?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm trying to take an interest in other people's lives.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's nice. I wear a size eight-and-a-half.
- Sheldon Cooper: [laughing] That's small! So tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?
- Sheldon Cooper: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.
- Penny Hofstadter: When was the last time you got a massage?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago, but that was just because there was a spider on his pillow and he needed to get away.
- Penny Hofstadter: Leonard stood on me once too, but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.
- Raj Koothrappali: Why do you bounce with your hands in the air like that?
- Howard Wolowitz: It's a tradition of my people.
- [sings "If I Were a Rich Man"]
- Raj Koothrappali: Material Girl needs to be retired. That is your new karaoke song.
- [last lines]
- Sheldon Cooper: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.
- Penny Hofstadter: Article 8, subsection B: Leonard will restrict video gaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Does it really need to say that?
- Sheldon Cooper: I did this for free; lemme get a little something.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Article 10, subsection C: If questioned, Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn't. Other unacceptable responses include "It's nothing", "Don't worry about it" and "I said it's nothing; don't worry about it."
- Penny Hofstadter: I think this all looks good.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Me too.
- Sheldon Cooper: Uh, well, great then. Here. You will sign here, date here, and, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you're accepting Leonard in 'as is' condition.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.
- Sheldon Cooper: You seem to be forgetting the 'no nostalgia' clause.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Quite right; got it.
- Howard Wolowitz: Right, got Halley to sleep.
- Raj Koothrappali: I heard you on the baby monitor.Didn't think you could turn the theme from The Walking Dead into a lullaby.
- Howard Wolowitz: Gotta get her hooked on TV, or one day she might want me to play outside.
- Sheldon Cooper: Would you like to play a driving game I just invented?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?
- Sheldon Cooper: Never mind.
- Sheldon Cooper: There's a cucumber in my water.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh huh.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do they know it's there? Should I tell somebody?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's there on purpose. It's refreshing.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Takes a sip] Interesting. The world's most boring liquid and the world's most boring vegetable, but you put them together and... bleagh!
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, this grid represents the room. All we have to do is plot out where the squeaks are and we can find a quiet path to the crib.
- Raj Koothrappali: Looks like a map from Dungeons and Dragons.
- Howard Wolowitz: Except the creature in the crib is a level nine poop monster.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard is playing a video game, sloppily spread on the couch. He belches] Damn. I burped so hard, I died in my game.
- Sheldon Cooper: They're still having girls' night across the hall.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, hang out with me and we'll have boys' night.
- Sheldon Cooper: At our age, why don't we call it man's night?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.
- Howard Wolowitz: MIT's motto is "Mind and hand," which just so happens was also my motto as a lonely teenager.
- Raj Koothrappali: It's nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter's going to as well.
- Howard Wolowitz: Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did.
- [beat]
- Howard Wolowitz: None.