- Dan Espinoza: [Trying to do a stand-up routine] I have a friend. And... he's got a tiny penis. A micropenis. In fact, his penis is so tiny, it's not even a micropenis. It's an atomic penis.
- [the crowd is silent]
- Dan Espinoza: Because atoms are small.
- [Awkward pause]
- Dan Espinoza: Not because it explodes.
- Linda Martin: Lucifer, you didn't invent the idea of giving favors!
- [chuckles]
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Glares]
- Linda Martin: Ha, yep, forgot who I was talking to.
- Ella Lopez: Not the murder weapon. This is a .380, and the murderer used a 9mm.
- Lucifer Morningstar: All that means is that he hid his other gun somewhere else. So come on. Prostate exams for all the puppets.
- Chloe Decker: After it became a family show... the micropenis got removed.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Did anyone even notice?
- [Chuckles]
- Lucifer Morningstar: I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. Well, truth is...
- Marcus Pierce: You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart, and calculated.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [aggrieved] You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!
- Chloe Decker: The Sinnerman is an urban myth; He doesn't exist. He's a boogeyman that criminals use to hide their bad behavior. "The Sinnerman made me do it."
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yet another thing he's stolen from me, being blamed for the bad deeds of men.
- [pause]
- Lucifer Morningstar: He can keep that one, actually.
- Lucifer Morningstar: The man is clearly a thief. Let's go give him a good throttling.
- Chloe Decker: I'm leaning towards just talking to him.
- Lucifer Morningstar: And *then* throttling. I suppose a little foreplay never hurt anyone.
- Chloe Decker: We found him.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Who? The missing link?
- [Looks at photo]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Proof of human/rodent copulation?
- Chloe Decker: Originally, the show was much edgier. About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his, um...
- [Flustered]
- Chloe Decker: W-Well, I really don't want to tell you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ooh. Well, now I need to know.
- Chloe Decker: [Signs] Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis.
- Lucifer Morningstar: All right, well. Hold me closer, tiny donger. So you're saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack.
- Chloe Decker: See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I'm not the one who hid a gun up a puppet's backside. Or have all the puppets got guns in them? If so, I'll set my DVR.
- Beautiful Woman: I'm totally into cosplay. I could dress up as a devil and make it really sexy.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I have no desire to have sex with myself. Not right now, at least.
- Chloe Decker: [Looking at victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?
- Lucifer Morningstar: A charitable description, Detective.
- [Reads]
- Lucifer Morningstar: "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?
- Amenadiel: You're very wise, Linda.
- Linda Martin: Thanks, Amen.
- Amenadiel: Mmm...
- Linda Martin: Yeah, it doesn't work, does it?
- Erik: All the chuckle bunnies talk.
- Chloe Decker: The what?
- Erik: Chicks who like to have sex with comedians.
- Lucifer Morningstar: There's a term for that? I should get a term. Devil bunnies. No. Lucifans.
- Lucifer Morningstar: It's not about the idea. It's about the execution. It's about how I use the wings.
- Linda Martin: That's... actually... pretty wise.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yeah. So I'll just tuck them away and pretend they don't exist.
- Linda Martin: ...Less good.
- Erik: I don't mind a fellow struggling comic busting balls. It's when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed. Or that good-looking jerk from the club.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What? Who's he talking about?
- Chloe Decker: Dan.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right. Are you sure?
- Sheila Vestal: Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an itchy butt joke. It's all about what you do with it.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What you do with your itchy butt?
- Sheila Vestal: With the joke!
- Bobby Lowe: I want out of this hell. Every day I come to work, and I tell stupid jokes with puppets. *Puppets*!
- Sheila Vestal: Bobby. What are you saying? This is a dream gig.
- Bobby Lowe: It's a nightmare! You know what the biggest joke is?
- Lucifer Morningstar: You?
- Bobby Lowe: ...Me!
- Chloe Decker: So how do we draw him out?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Easy. Arrest everyone in the club and pull their pants down. Tiniest weenie wins, for once.
- Linda Martin: Amenadiel. Is there a shorter version of that? Does anyone ever call you "Amen"?
- [He gives her a look]
- Linda Martin: Probably not.
- Amenadiel: You would be the first.
- Amenadiel: I think it's just my Father testing me again. But this time, Linda, I'm ready.
- Linda Martin: How is He testing you? Do you have to fight someone? Solve advanced math problems?
- Linda Martin: You cut them off, didn't you?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I did, yes. But then they grew back, so I cut them off again. It's like whack-a-mole back there.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Interupting Dan's stand-up] Next you're going to say his willy's so small that when he wants to have sex he needs to call out a search party. Or that his Weiner is so small that his testicles look like they're giving the tiniest thumbs up.
- Chloe Decker: I realized the killer might seek out a sympathetic voice.
- Dan Espinoza: He wasn't sympathetic. He just used it as an excuse to tell even more micropenis jokes.
- Amenadiel: My father always has a plan, I don't doubt that anymore.
- Linda Martin: Seems awfully cruel.
- Amenadiel: Well, if it were easy, it wouldn't be much of a test. Would it?
- Bobby Lowe: We never used that puppet. It was my imaginary friend's imaginary friend. The character didn't land.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I wonder why.
- Marcus Pierce: [about the Sinnerman] It's not a name to throw around. Not even at the precinct. That's why I came here to talk. He's that dangerous.
- Lucifer Morningstar: So am I.
- Linda Martin: It's easy to let external factors... define us. Especially the traumatic ones. But only if we let them.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Sudden epiphany] We all have itchy butts.