- Reese Getty: She cares for you. How'd you do that? How did you convince her that the Devil, of all people, was good?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I don't know. I just... showed her my true self.
- Reese Getty: But how could she accept you after that?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, maybe she did because of that.
- Lucifer Morningstar, Linda Martin: Reese?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What, you know him as well?
- Linda Martin: My ex-husband, Reese...
- Reese Getty: Linda. Stay back.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Your ex-husband?
- [Cheerily, at Reese]
- Lucifer Morningstar: So we're tunnel buddies.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take *no* part in who goes to Hell.
- Reese Getty: Then who does?
- Lucifer Morningstar: You humans.
- [Chuckles]
- Lucifer Morningstar: You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Don't think I haven't noticed you watching me. I know what this is about.
- Reese Getty: You do?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes. And the answer is no, I will not sleep with you.
- Reese Getty: You know now. And you're still seeing him?
- Linda Martin: Only professionally, Reese,
- Lucifer Morningstar: Much to my disappointment.
- Linda Martin: It is none of your business who I sleep with.
- Reese Getty: It is if it's Satan himself.
- Reese Getty: This is all your fault. You ruined my life. You drove me to do things I never would've done. And now... there's a dead girl down there because of you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What is it with you humans? Huh? Always blaming me. I never make any of you do anything.
- Reese Getty: I just want Linda to love me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're still in love with your ex? What about your wife?
- Reese Getty: She *is* my wife.
- Chloe Decker: You were right about the implants. They were pulled from the market years ago for rupturing.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Aaah. A moment of silence for those poor, mishandled breasts.
- Dan Espinoza: I don't like Lucifer.
- Reese Getty: Really?
- Dan Espinoza: For starters, someone's been stealing my pudding. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all started when he showed up.
- Chloe Decker: Daniel Moore, vegan chef. Curiously found with raw meat in his mouth.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ah. So vegans can't enjoy a healthy sex life?
- Chloe Decker: Lucifer, he does this. He notices things that normal people are too... normal to notice,
- Lucifer Morningstar: I was complaining to the detective about some posts of mine that have been removed from a web site for roosters of award-winning size. You see, I was posting pictures of my-...
- Chloe Decker: Okay. Okay.
- Reese Getty: I saw his real face. If you see it, then you'll know.
- Linda Martin: I have seen it. And I know. I know how unsettling it can be.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes. And if you're this unsettled by me, I'd hate to see what you're gonna do to the scoundrel who's been sleeping with your wife.
- Reese Getty: My wife, who's the smartest and funniest person I ever met, and the only woman that I've ever loved, is sleeping with another man. A sleazy, arrogant, womanizing piece of garbage.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, then, why are you wasting time trying to pick me up?
- Chloe Decker: This is a serial killer.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes. The Completely Justified Killer of Phonies.
- [to Reese]
- Lucifer Morningstar: If that's what you name him, I want credit.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What are you gonna do, spoons to the eyes? Ants inside his urethra. A Urethra Franklin, as I like to call it.
- Chloe Decker: We could really use your help.
- Reese Getty: [Disheveled] How can I help you, Detective?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Shower and a shave, maybe.
- Reese Getty: You can't scare me off. I've been threatened by worse than you.
- Mazikeen: I guarantee you haven't.
- Reese Getty: I know this sounds crazy, but he's the devil. And I don't mean in a douchebag, club-owning kind of way. I mean, he's the actual devil!
- Lucifer Morningstar: Detective, meet my new friend. Uh...
- Reese Getty: Reese.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ah. Owner of the pieces.
- Chloe Decker: [Murder victim is surrounded by breast implants] What are all these?
- Lucifer Morningstar: These are boobs. Yes, I'd know them anywhere. C-cups to be precise. Oh, look at these.
- [Picks some up and starts juggling]
- Chloe Decker: Please don't... juggle the evidence, Lucifer.
- [Looks at Reese]
- Chloe Decker: But it's fine if he does, 'cause, you know, they've already been processed.
- Lucifer Morningstar: They're called "fun bags" for a reason!
- Lucifer Morningstar: So, someone's killing charlatans. Ah. The worst kind of scum. Next to boy bands.
- Reese Getty: Can you tell me about this guy, Lucifer?
- Beefy Uni: Yeah, he calls himself "the Devil."
- Custodian: He helped me out with some gambling debts. Saved my life.
- Cute Uni: Five years ago? I heard he was somewhere terrible down south.
- Grizzled Detective: He introduced me to my husband.
- Custodian: And my horse.
- Cute Uni: Maybe Florida?
- Reese Getty: I'm married... to a woman, thank you very much.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh. Does she know you're gay?
- Reese Getty: I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are. And save this woman. Don't you try and stop me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I won't. She might, though.
- Veronica: Who is this guy, Lucifer? He doesn't seem very fun.
- Reese Getty: You're not tied up against your will?
- Veronica: Um, no. I'm pretty into this. At least I was until you got here.