- Ella Lopez: [Planning bachelorette party] Not peony, PENIS!
- [Lucifer gives her a look]
- Ella Lopez: Peeenis... yeah, I'll hold.
- Charlotte: Looking for booze?
- Ella Lopez: Yeah. And Maze's bong, and decent music, and a strapping naked dude with student loans and a dream.
- Linda Martin: Did you guys find the booze?
- Ella Lopez: Exactly. We should be nipple-deep in Jaeger by now and playing pin the tail on Ryan Gosling. I can't believe that Maze legit hijacked my bachelorette party.
- Charlotte: You mean *Chloe's* bachelorette party.
- Ella Lopez: ...That's what I said.
- Lucifer Morningstar: And then there's potential reason number 55 the detective would accept Pierce's proposal: drugs. EUI... Engaged Under the Influence.
- Lucifer Morningstar: The plan is simple. I'm going to try to understand why the detective would want to marry that overstuffed man ham, and then make her see she's deranged.
- Amenadiel: Everything is so much better when you know that you can die at any moment. How much time do we have left? 30-odd years? 40, if we lay off the sauce?
- Vincent Walker: I found out later he was a purebred Mastiff, so I started taking him to all the shows. He loves the shows.
- Dan Espinoza: You're not in the competition database.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Daniel, that's my line.
- [to Frederick]
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're not in the competition database.
- Ella Lopez: Dark days to come 'cause, I mean, sleeping with the same dude for the rest of your life? Even hot gets boring, Chloe. Dark days ahead, indeed.
- Amenadiel: I feel this odd kinship, actually. I mean, this is like the, uh, the first official meeting of the Immortals Turned Mortal Club.
- Marcus Pierce: In that case, the beer's on you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: A canine killer. Seems they can't trust you with a real homicide, Daniel.
- Ella Lopez: Nope. The bitch is innocent.
- Dan Espinoza: What the hell, man? SWAT?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Yes, well, this is when I normally get into a spot of danger, so I called in for backup like a responsible detective would.
- Mazikeen: Is that a wedding murder board?
- Chloe Decker: I am just trying to stay organized here.
- Mazikeen: Wow. Mug shot for the caterer. Nice work, Decker.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Trying to get Dan to be more like him] This is where I'd make a clever pun about the underdog.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Based on the security around that doorway over there, and the fact I've been here many times before, that is an illegal gambling den.
- Lucifer Morningstar: To truly go full Detective, I require a partner who's clever and unpredictable, handsome, sexual.
- [Looks at Dan]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Suppose one out of four will suffice. Well done, Daniel.
- Dan Espinoza: Wow. Which one of the four am I?
- Dr. Valerie Haynes: I have more than I could ever want.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Do you, now?
- [to Dan]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Watch and learn.
- [Turns back to Dr. Haynes]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Surely, there must be something that you desire.
- Dr. Valerie Haynes: I... Mm. I'm... I'm really all good.
- [This is a first]
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Turns up the mojo] Come now, there's really nothing you want deep, deep down?
- [Dr Haynes shrugs]
- Meg Boyd: [Standing behind the doctor] I want the miracle of birth!
- Lucifer Morningstar: Trying to solve a murder here, love, but I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that. Eventually.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Trying to care for Cornelia, the dog] I mean, at least the detective's human dependent can be bribed with chocolate and cash. But apparently, chocolate's toxic for Ms. Picky here. And she ate my wallet.
- Linda Martin: [after Maze throws out the stripper she was making out with] Maze! What are you doing? Hey! I liked that guy! He smelled like chlorine and butterscotch fudge.
- Dan Espinoza: What is that smell? And why is there... crime scene tape all around my desk?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Because trust me, Daniel, Cornelia committed a very serious infraction over there.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I still don't think this is working.
- Dan Espinoza: Agree.
- Lucifer Morningstar: And I think it's my fault.
- Dan Espinoza: Also agree.
- Vincent Walker: New time, new tune. Not what I want anymore.
- Dan Espinoza: So then, uh, tell me, what do you want or, uh, desire?
- Vincent Walker: [Thinks Dan is hitting on him] I'm married, pal.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Children are so needy... I mean, you wouldn't understand, but being a single parent is exhausting.
- Dan Espinoza: Dude, it's been an hour.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, in dog years, that's an eternity.
- Lucifer Morningstar: He's weaseled his way into her heart, and I don't understand how, but I need to.
- Amenadiel: Well, good luck. And I will come up with a plan that will *actually* work.
- Dan Espinoza: Only one of us can be detective.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're right.
- Dan Espinoza: Yeah.
- Lucifer Morningstar: - That is the perfect way to understand the detective. I'm gonna take the lead and *be* her.
- [Leaves]
- Dan Espinoza: ...That is not what I meant.
- Frederick Hoffman: A dog is supposed to be man's best friend, not man's best replacement. Do you know what it's like to be kicked out of your own bed by a DOG?
- Frederick Hoffman: I should've just shot the dog! But it's so hard to kill a creature with such intelligence in its eyes.
- [Turns the gun on Dan]