- Sheldon Cooper: They're going to start making Professor Proton's science show again.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I thought he passed away.
- Howard Wolowitz: He did. He was cremated, and his remains were put in a baking soda volcano.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.
- Penny Hofstadter: Aw. Thought you did it just to get girls.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Joke's on you. It worked.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where did you get a bell?
- Howard Wolowitz: App store.
- [showing her the app on his phone]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fun. Let me see.
- [he hands his phone over, and she puts it in her pocket]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: When you catch me, you can have it back.
- Raj Koothrappali: You know who'd make a great Professor Proton? Meryl Streep.
- Howard Wolowitz: She's not a scientist.
- Raj Koothrappali: Uh, then explain to me why she has chemistry with literally everyone.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It would be nice if they cast a woman.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you've already got "Doctor Who" and the Ghostbusters. Leave us something.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Who do you think it should be?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, it should be a scientist I respect. You know, someone with a pleasing voice and symmetrical facial features.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is he talking about himself?
- Penny Hofstadter: If he's talking, he's talking about himself.
- Sheldon Cooper: I just know how much Professor Proton touched me as a child, and I feel I owe it to him to try and touch as many children as possible.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [awkward silence] You should put that on your audition tape.
- Nurse: Howard Wolowitz?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Want me to go with you?
- Howard Wolowitz: No. I'll be fine.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, we got this.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sit down!
- [standing up]
- Howard Wolowitz: Wish me luck.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [he heads towards the exit] Other way, buster.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, you ready?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, almost. I'm working on my facial expressions. See, uh, I've got interested.
- [demonstrating]
- Sheldon Cooper: Hmm. I've got very interested.
- [demonstrating again]
- Sheldon Cooper: Hmm. And, uh, enranged.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [he demonstrates] Why would you be enraged?
- Sheldon Cooper: Hmm. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
- Howard Wolowitz: [at home after his surgery] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Raj Koothrappali: Really hurts, huh?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sarcastic] No. He's just saying "Ow can these prices be so low?".
- [she helps him into bed]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's gonna be okay. A day or two of rest and you'll be fine.
- Howard Wolowitz: You know nothing about Jewish people.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, boy.
- Penny Hofstadter: What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: They cast the new Professor Proton.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Is it Sheldon?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not exactly.
- Sheldon Cooper: [from his and Amy's apartment] WHEATON!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [turning around back down the stairs] It's Wil Wheaton.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Arthur.
- Arthur Jeffries: What... what part of "rest in peace" don't you understand?
- Sheldon Cooper: I suppose you're here because you heard the news?
- Arthur Jeffries: Sheldon, I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't hear news.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're a grumpy figment.
- Sheldon Cooper: They're remaking your show, and they cast Wil Wheaton as Professor Proton. And the worst part is he's not even a scientist.
- Arthur Jeffries: No, the... the worst part is I'm sitting on a moist log.
- Sheldon Cooper: We have to stop this and protect your legacy.
- Arthur Jeffries: What legacy? My... my last two seasons, I was on Sunday morning at 5:30. We... we were beat by "Davey and Goliath".
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe you don't care.
- Arthur Jeffries: Believe it!
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I care, a lot, and Wil Wheaton will rue the day he ever met me.
- Arthur Jeffries: I think that's true of most people.
- Penny Hofstadter: Hi, guys. Wanted to check in and see how you two were doing.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're okay.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, hanging out in bed with my wife, thawing out some frozen peas in my pants; living the dream.
- [hearing Halley on the baby monitor crying]
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I'll get her.
- Penny Hofstadter: I thought Raj was helping you out.
- Howard Wolowitz: No, he had to work. Plus, he has a quota for the amount of Indian servant jokes he can tolerate, and apparently, I filled it.
- Penny Hofstadter: [Over the baby monitor, after she basically had it out against Howard and Bernadette for not trusting her with their baby, she goes in to address a crying Halley] Hey Halley, oh it's okay. Auntie Penny's here. Shhh. Okay, let's get you changed. Your mommy and daddy say they trust me, but they're both full of the same stuff your diaper is.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now I feel bad.
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, she never really liked me. It's kind of nice she hates you now.
- Penny Hofstadter: [Continued, with feeling] Oh, but I'm here for you and would never let anything happen to you because your Auntie Penny loves you so much!
- Halley Wolowitz: [Almost whispering] Mama.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Freezing upon hearing that] Was that her first word?
- Halley Wolowitz: [Clearer] Mama!
- Penny Hofstadter: [Kind of panicking] No, no baby, I'm not your mama. Your mother is a nice lady that we're going to go see right now so I can rub this in her face.
- [Bernadette, during this, has picked up the baby monitor speaker and eventually starts looking at it with anger in her eyes]
- Penny Hofstadter: [Intentionally addressing the both of them] You hear that, suckers? She called me "mama"!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Howard is scarfing down food] Howie, slow down.
- Howard Wolowitz: I can't. I'm not allowed to eat for twelve hours before my surgery, and I only got two more minutes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [seeing Raj eating just as fast] What surgery are you having?
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm stress eating. My best friend's getting a vasectomy tomorrow.
- Penny Hofstadter: And you're sad you won't be able to bear his child?
- Sheldon Cooper: [looking at his phone] Oh, my goodness.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: If it's "vasectomy gone wrong" videos, he's seen them all. Including the one of the guy who's sitting on what appears to be a cantaloupe but is not.
- Howard Wolowitz: [putting his plate of food down] And I'm done.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [at the urologist's with Howard] You doing okay?
- Howard Wolowitz: No, I'm very nervous.
- [seeing another patient hobble out moaning, Howard stands up to leave]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where are you going?
- Howard Wolowitz: Gift shop.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: There is no gift shop. Sit down.
- [he sits down]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: This was your idea.
- Howard Wolowitz: So was having sex, and look where that got us.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: This isn't a big deal. Stop whining.
- Howard Wolowitz: When you were in labor and I said that, you kicked me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I am theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper, auditioning for the role of Professor Proton. Now, excuse me while I get into character.
- [he turns around, then back to face the camera]
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I am Professor Proton. And today, boys and girls, we're going to have fun with science. Did you know you could calculate the mass of an electron using household items? It's true. All you'll need is a pencil, some paper, dry ice, rubbing alcohol, and a spool of 50 micron-thick cobalt-60 wire. And remember, don't put it in your mouth, or instead of becoming a scientist, you'll become wildly radioactive.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hang on. I have a question. Do you have any experiments that aren't life-threatening?
- Sheldon Cooper: Come on! That was a perfect take and you ruined it.
- [he does his "enraged" expression]
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, look! Hey, I did need "enraged".
- Raj Koothrappali: [reading a pamphlet he got at the urologist's] Okay, uh, this is a bit awkward. It says here that I need to check the area for redness and swelling.
- Howard Wolowitz: You know what? It hurts so much, go ahead.
- Sheldon Cooper: [showing Leonard and Penny his audition tape] So, what do you think?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I already told him that I loved it, but if you found it dangerous or confusing or, I don't know, three to four times too long, now is the time to share.
- Penny Hofstadter: I... I don't know what to say. Leonard, do you know what to say?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, uh, I thought it, uh... it... it looked like you were having so much fun.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey! That's what you used to tell me to say to Penny after one of her terrible plays.
- Penny Hofstadter: [hitting him] Hey!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, what was wrong with it? You know, did you find it... borderline psychotic? I mean, I liked that about it, but... you guys discuss.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd watch Professor Proton?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, did he ever make you, I don't know, hate science and the people who do it?
- Sheldon Cooper: What are you saying?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I... I just think it would... better if your contempt for children wasn't so much in the foreground.
- Sheldon Cooper: You want me to lie?
- Penny Hofstadter: Well, it's not lying. It's acting. Sheldon Cooper may not like kids, but Professor Proton loves them.
- Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. You know, I really hadn't thought of it that way. It... it's similar to how, you know, I'm afraid of dogs, but my "D&D" character likes dogs, you know? But he's allergic, so he can't be around them.
- Penny Hofstadter: Why don't we have a dog?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, you can always re-shoot it.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mm, I suppose. And, you know, maybe I could even get some tips from someone who's acted professionally.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh. Sheldon, obviously, I'd be happy to help you out.
- Sheldon Cooper: [more condescending than grateful] I don't know what to say.
- Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. What's up?
- Sheldon Cooper: I need an acting coach.
- Wil Wheaton: Oh.
- Sheldon Cooper: Would you give me Patrick Stewart's number?
- Wil Wheaton: [insulted] No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine. I guess you can do it.
- Howard Wolowitz: How was the doctor?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good, but I have some news.
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't say twins. Don't say twins. Don't say twins. Don't say twins.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's not twins.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh. I mean, because I would have loved them both.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: The doctor said I was overdoing it, so she put me on bed rest just to be safe.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, no.
- [he hobbles towards the bed]
- Howard Wolowitz: It may not look like it, but I'm running to you!
- Howard Wolowitz: [Sitting in bed doing their things] Getting a little hungry.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Want me to get it this time?
- Howard Wolowitz: Sure.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [She picks up Howard's phone and rings the bell on the app. Smiling] This IS fun.
- Howard Wolowitz: And now you, too, get to see an annoyed blonde walk in the room.
- Sheldon Cooper: When we first met, we were enemies, but we worked through that and we became friends. Do you really want to go back?
- Wil Wheaton: Honestly, it doesn't feel any different.
- Penny Hofstadter: You really don't trust me. You had to have Amy stop by?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: We trust you.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. You were a terrible waitress and we still asked you to get us a snack.