Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (TV Series)

Pilot (2017)

Ryan Hansen: Ryan Hansen

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Ryan Hansen : [talking to the camera]  Hey! Hi! Now before you turn this off or change the channel or click on something else, just gimme a second, okay? This is just our pilot, so we're still figuring some stuff out - tone, character, format - but I think it's going to be good. Long term, I am optimistic. Pretty decent start, right? Direct address, breaking the fourth wall - that Deadpool shit, baby! Pretty millennial how I'm doing it on my phone, too, but don't worry, it's not going to be all "Cloverfield" the whole time. By the way, I'm Ryan Han...

  [Hansen trips and falls on his face] 

• Ryan Hansen : Bad day for a dirt nap.

  Jessica Mathers : Get the fuck away from the body, asshole

• Jessica Mathers : Okay, dipshit, you either tell me why you're contaminating my crime scene or I'm gonna arrest you and toss your ass in County...

  Ryan Hansen : Okay, here's the deal-io. The big cheese downtown, El Mayoro, wanted to get a handle on the recent uptick in crime in the Hollywood area, so he deputized a dozen or so high-profile celebrities like me, Scotty Caan, Eric Christian Olsen - but I don't think Eric's right for the role, do you?

• Ryan Hansen : Me and the other A-listers are supposed to be like Hollywood liasions for the LAPD - help 'em solve crimes by using industry connections, sense-memory techniques, our gift of channeling characters. We're like psychics, but realer and like way better looking.

  Jessica Mathers : Seriously? That's the premise of the show?

  Ryan Hansen : Yeah. We're calling it "Celebrity Vice Squad."

• Jessica Mathers : So, you're telling me this is actually going to be on TV.

  Ryan Hansen : Well, it's more of an internet webisode thing at the moment. It's gonna be on YouTube Red.

• Ryan Hansen : So what's this dead body's story?

  Jessica Mathers : Somebody killed him.

• Jessica Mathers : I don't know why you're getting so agitated. It's just a part.

  Ryan Hansen : It's not just a part - it's "Star Wars." Do they have Star Wars in Cleveland.

  Jessica Mathers : Of course we have Star Wars in Cleveland, okay? "Beam me up, Scotty."

• Jessica Mathers : I want a closer look. Come on.

  Ryan Hansen : Me? What happens if they start shooting at us?

  Jessica Mathers : Get in front of me.

• Amy : Excuse me. Who are you?

  Ryan Hansen : Honey, I'm sorry. Come here. This is Detective Jessica Mathers. She's my partner.

  Jessica Mathers : We're not partners. Your husband is just a moron.

  Amy : Oh.

  Ryan Hansen : We're thinking of recasting.