Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (TV Series)

Pilot (2017)

Samira Wiley: Jessica Mathers

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ryan Hansen : Bad day for a dirt nap.

  Jessica Mathers : Get the fuck away from the body, asshole

• Jessica Mathers : Okay, dipshit, you either tell me why you're contaminating my crime scene or I'm gonna arrest you and toss your ass in County...

  Ryan Hansen : Okay, here's the deal-io. The big cheese downtown, El Mayoro, wanted to get a handle on the recent uptick in crime in the Hollywood area, so he deputized a dozen or so high-profile celebrities like me, Scotty Caan, Eric Christian Olsen - but I don't think Eric's right for the role, do you?

• Ryan Hansen : Me and the other A-listers are supposed to be like Hollywood liasions for the LAPD - help 'em solve crimes by using industry connections, sense-memory techniques, our gift of channeling characters. We're like psychics, but realer and like way better looking.

  Jessica Mathers : Seriously? That's the premise of the show?

  Ryan Hansen : Yeah. We're calling it "Celebrity Vice Squad."

• Jessica Mathers : So, you're telling me this is actually going to be on TV.

  Ryan Hansen : Well, it's more of an internet webisode thing at the moment. It's gonna be on YouTube Red.

• Ryan Hansen : So what's this dead body's story?

  Jessica Mathers : Somebody killed him.

• Jessica Mathers : [to Hansen]  You need to shut up when you talk.

• Jessica Mathers : I don't know why you're getting so agitated. It's just a part.

  Ryan Hansen : It's not just a part - it's "Star Wars." Do they have Star Wars in Cleveland.

  Jessica Mathers : Of course we have Star Wars in Cleveland, okay? "Beam me up, Scotty."

• Jessica Mathers : I want a closer look. Come on.

  Ryan Hansen : Me? What happens if they start shooting at us?

  Jessica Mathers : Get in front of me.

• Two Beard : [pulling a gun and pointing it at Hansen]  You're not a real cop.

  [sound of a gunshot followed by Hansen being splatted with blood] 

  Jessica Mathers : But I am.

• Amy : Excuse me. Who are you?

  Ryan Hansen : Honey, I'm sorry. Come here. This is Detective Jessica Mathers. She's my partner.

  Jessica Mathers : We're not partners. Your husband is just a moron.

  Amy : Oh.

  Ryan Hansen : We're thinking of recasting.