Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (TV Series)
Jane D'Oh! (2017)
Ryan Hansen: Ryan Hansen
Photos
Quotes
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Ryan Hansen : I don't know how the writers are going to improve on the plot. It's such a barnburner. It's like, how do you top opening on a dead body?
[cut to a shot of a pair of victims]
Ryan Hansen : Two dead bodies.
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Ryan Hansen : What's your read on this one.
Jessica Mathers : Well, they're dead.
Ryan Hansen : Man sure, sure.
Ryan Hansen : [referring to the costumes the victims are wearing] What do make of their outfits
Jessica Mathers : Maybe they found out they were auditioning for the same role as you and decided to kill themselves out of shame.
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Ryan Hansen : Hey, do you think I should have a badge.
Jessica Mathers : No.
Ryan Hansen : Really?
Jessica Mathers : Yes.
Ryan Hansen : Why?
Jessica Mathers : Because you're a moron... and it would be illegal - but mostly the first part.
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Ryan Hansen : How am I supposed to give an authentic performance if I don't have a gun or a badge?
Jessica Mathers : I guess you'll just have to rely on the suspension of disbelief.
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Ryan Hansen : Okay, whoa, whoa, hold on now! Wait, wait, okay, okay? Look I get it. I know why you killed her. I know what it's like to love something that doesn't love you back. I've been a working actor for over a decade and most people just confuse me with Ryan Philippe. And, yeah, after all these years, I got my own show and it's not even on television. It's on a website that most people think they jerk off to. I know your pain, Parker. I'm the same as you. We all hurt.
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[Mathers slugs the murderous Parker, then arrests her]
Ryan Hansen : Took you long enough.
Jessica Mathers : I didn't want to interrupt your monologue.
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Parker Starr : You tricked me.
Ryan Hansen : It's called acting, bitch. Look it up.
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Jessica Mathers : Hey, haircut, catch.
[Mathers tosses Hansen a badge]
Ryan Hansen : No way. Seriously?
Jessica Mathers : It's a meter maid's badge, but I don't think anyone'll notice.
Ryan Hansen : See you tomorrow. Thanks.
[picks up a coffee stirrer]
Jessica Mathers : Mouth prop.